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A gaming and technology blog by TWHL admins Penguinboy and Ant. A music blog by TWHL users Ant and Hugh.

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avatar Jessie 7th June 2017, 14:52 PM

I'm sure it's of niche interest, but I'mma take a moment or two to reflect upon something that has troubled me lately.

As I've mentioned in the past, I am transgender. Though I have been sure of this for some time now, for a variety of reasons, I have yet to make any moves towards making any physical or social changes. Regardless, there is a dichotomy between how I see myself and how others perceive me.

I am, at present, largely unable to affect those perceptions. In real life, it's much more convenient to simply suppress my discomfort and present myself as male, saving myself from any potential uncomfortable questions, harassment or abuse (I'm sure in this town, I would have no trouble finding it). Those closest to me know my feelings and respect them, despite the fact that there has been negligible difference from their perspective (which can be a different kind of difficult, in a way).

As far as TWHL goes, I'm perfectly comfortable presenting the way I feel, because y'all are (generally) great people, and I know that the people I care about here are the kind of folk who won't hold it against me. This place, to me, is not just a place where awesome people hang out and do awesome things, but is also a sanctuary where I can be myself; where I don't have to question myself. That's a very powerful feeling at this stage in my life, and I couldn't be more grateful to have it.

The crux of this journal is where dichotomy creeps back into it. Being the internet, my persona here is simply a distillation of my personality. Plain text conveying my thoughts, carrying no perceptions of who I am physically. So it can be very, very hard to introduce any of the rest of me. There's a reason why I'm not in the Teamspeak of these videos, as much as I very much wanted to be. To present my voice is to challenge who I am here (and, indeed, who I feel I am). As a result, I am cripplingly self-conscious about my voice, even more than I am about... well, the rest of me.

The past handful of days, I've been challenging myself by joining the SnC fellows for videogames. Part and parcel of that is joining the Teamspeak. As much as I love joining in with them, it takes some significant psychological effort every time I have to hit that push-to-talk button. I guess I just want to shout out Archie and [blue]Urby[/blue] in particular, for being just so damn accepting and welcoming. Being able to join you guys means more to me than you might think.

Comments

avatar Archie says: 7th June 2017, 15:33 PM
I'M NOT CRYING; I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE, OKAY???

In all seriousness, I'm really pleased you feel like we're particularly accepting and welcoming, but I assure you it's through no special effort on our part. You're our friend and you'll always be treated as such. It's mad that we live in a world where you perceive that as requiring special recognition, but I'm incredibly touched that you do.

Here's hoping the current... political climate... doesn't do further harm to acceptance. It's disappointing to hear you don't feel comfortable in real life yet.
avatar Scoots says: 7th June 2017, 16:08 PM
It's been a pleasure gaming with you the last few sessions Jessie :) Sorry to hear you feel a barrier to talking, but I know I speak for the other guys as well when I say it's welcome when you break though it.
avatar UrbaNebula says: 7th June 2017, 16:14 PM
My thoughts exactly, Archie and Scoots.

You've been nothing short of an absolute pleasure to chat and game with. For what it's worth from half a world way, we'll have your back should you need to open up about anything. <3
avatar Shepard62700FR says: 7th June 2017, 16:16 PM
It's very sad indeed that we live in a world where you can't take the "paths" that interest you because they are not following the "norm". Like the SnC people, I respect you as a fellow TWHL member even after reading your story and I understand that real life isn't easy especially in your situation.

I'm just happy for you that you have a " safe heaven" here and with the SnC folks.

Final words: I would like to say that you should stay strong and keep confidence in yourself. Don't be weakened by all those stupid "préjugés" and people that can't work their brains for at least a second.

EDIT : not on topic but any chance of a TWHL gaming parteh on HLDM, CS or anything else ?
avatar UrbaNebula says: 7th June 2017, 18:16 PM
I'd be well up for that
avatar Admer456 says: 7th June 2017, 18:27 PM
About the fear of using your voice:

Wow.
I thought I was the only one here. :D (although, I'm sure our reasons to fear are very different)

I've recently had a playtesting session of de_kobbl, and 2 people used their voices. But I was too scared of something so I didn't talk, until they started shooting me for typing whole paragraphs in the IRC chat-box. :/ (which took time)

So I used my voice, and even though my heart started beating a lot quicker and I started breathing quicker, I felt a sudden relief. That's pretty much everywhere. I'm afraid to use my voice, but for other reasons, of course.

Edit:
I'm not just afraid of using my own voice, but I'm (in specific situations) afraid of hearing other people's voices. R.I.P.

@Shepard62700FR
As always, there's that occasional playtesting of de_kobbl, so if you're looking for some CS 1.6 action, feel free to hop in the hype train. :)
(of course, if you're on GameBanana, which I'm unsure)

@Urby
OOOOOOHH, A TRIPLE
(Edit: Fixed. Blame my mobile network - Urby)

Edit:
Very well, then. xD
avatar Shepard62700FR says: 7th June 2017, 20:49 PM
@Admer : it's been like 3/4 years since I haven't logged on GameBanana.
avatar NineTnine says: 7th June 2017, 23:25 PM
ITS SCOOTS ^
avatar Penguinboy says: 8th June 2017, 00:18 AM
I should join the SnC games more often...
avatar JeffMOD says: 8th June 2017, 03:08 AM
There's really only one thing that needs to be said, and it can be summed up in two characters.

<3
avatar Admer456 says: 8th June 2017, 11:26 AM
^

@Shepard
Well, if you ever intend to visit it again, you'll be delighted. :D
I'd be your guide to the new look and features there. Of course, only if you decide to go there again, which I doubt.
avatar DiscoStu says: 10th June 2017, 05:40 AM
You're a lovely person and I don't care what side of the fence you're in. I'm still calling you friend.

*digital hug*
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