50% concentrated power of will

Posted 2 weeks ago2018-12-31 01:02:24 UTC
Striker StrikerI seriously doubt myself
I just want to leave some thoughts here, as 2018 comes to an end.

tl;dr: I probably have to work on my people skills and socialize more. I visited Madrid. I tried and successfully ate Surstromming without puking. Changed my phone. I'm working on a personal project involving Raspberry Pi and ESP8266, collecting sensor data. I look forward to 2019 and hope to make most out of it.

For me it's been a fuzzy year. Can't say I'm extremely happy with my progress as a whole. Yeah, I did some progress in some areas, mainly in my job since it's eating 8-10 hours a day when counting the commute and morning routine. But not enough to be satisfied personally. I keep failing at making a self-learning schedule (in my mind I said that I have to read at least 10 programming books to get to the next level). Been through a breakup, probably my fault. Been searching for someone ever since, but probably I don't put that much effort into it, it's kinda hard for me to meet new people outside of some common goals/events. The workplace is a dead-end for such things, and even if it wasn't... I feel I would violate so many workplace ethics I would just crawl back in my carapace. I'm just scared of trying something new (like meetup.org style events, or a dance class...). I just feel like an impostor/weird person - although in my soul I'd really like to try.
I failed to deliver an outside-of-work project on time. A combination of misunderstandings and.. I would say laziness but I'm certainly not a lazy person when I have passion for things. I think it's a loss of interest. Been forcing myself ever since to do some damn thing about that.
I saw some episodes of "Master of none". Some stuff from there hits home.

On the bright side, I got to visit Madrid. That's a really big city for what I'm used with. The Buen Retiro park is really nice. I visited some museums, notably the Thyssen. But what struck me was the exhibition at the CentroCentro from Plaza Cibeles. The one I had the chance to see had the theme of transportation. My first impression was that this was a meaningless walk-through random placed pieces/doodads, but then I understood that it was meant to excite your mind. It's a place of inspiration.
I also had the chance to see the nightlife a bit. Honestly, I think I'm just not build for that. If not with a bigger group of friends, I find it a bit degrading/sad because my focus keeps turning to observing what's around. I've seen some teens puking and what not. I don't know, probably I felt like a country boy and intimidated :)). There was this bar we stumbled into, the bartender owned the place and was a life-long fan of The Ramones. The bar was red-painted and was absolutely full of stickers/badges/photos/collectibles you name it. The music was blasting from an old massive speaker hanging from the ceiling, I remember it had a distinct lo-fi tonality. The 50-60 year old looking bartender had long black hair, a black sleeveless jeans jacket and after serving people he was standing there, looking towards nothing, having that thousand mile stare.... probably he has seen a lot of shit.
I think I just like cozy restaurants/bars a lot more.

I was forced to change my phone - my old one (an S4) started to stutter a lot and randomly power off even after changing the battery. I've waited again enough time for this to be a notable improvement. It's a One Plus 6. I'm really satisfied with it, I've even ordered a vinyl cover from dbrand.

I've finally managed, with the help of a friend who went to Sweden, to get my hands on a can of Surstromming. If this old journal managed to provoke unpleasant sensations to some of you (especially Archie from older discussions), this will totally disgust you. But I can't help it, I was just too damn curious. Surprisingly, I didn't vomit. But the smell... god damn. Do you know the smell of saurkraut? Do you know the smell of moist fermented manure? Do you know the smell of your feet and socks after a sweaty day in a pair of bad-quality sneakers? Add those together and that's the smell of surstromming. Not yet the full power of a cadaver smell, but enough to eradicate your nose. I managed to eat it like they do it traditionally ("Pita" + some cream spread, onions and some other stuff). I realized my regret after eating it though. The pungent fumes were coming back from my stomach, warm and moist, through my nose. Not long after eating this outside me and some friends hoped in a taxi and I then realized suddenly that if those fumes accidentally come through my mouth/nose again there was not fucking way I could explain to that man why we smell like that. I don't know if Scandinavian people eat this on a regular basis but man... it's a sheer what-the-fuck experience.

Finally, I've started working a personal project with Raspberry Pi and ESP8266. In an older journal I was sharing about trying Arch Linux. Some skills/commands from there have proven useful.

I don't know man. As life goes on I kinda feel these new pressures as I see some people around me getting married, while I have other objectives. It feels like such a big ladder to climb to get to have a stable relationship. Well, until then, I think I'm at that point where life is just at the perfect difficulty spot: about 10%-20% harder than I'd like it to be, allowing me to get better if I put the effort in.
Maybe I just have high expectations...

I'm sorry for the wall of text. I wish the regulars here, but also the newcomers, a happy and prosperous 2019! Let's make the most out of it.


Commented 1 week ago2019-01-11 21:55:14 UTC Comment #101729
The second you change your "... it's been a fuzzy year." to "... it's been a fuzzy day." things really start to change.
Commented 4 days ago2019-01-14 18:06:57 UTC Comment #101746
I once brought a can of surströmming to the birthday party of a Japanese exchange student. I had never tried it and there were lots of other Swedes there, but funnily enough he was the only one who liked it, but he got so drunk he couldn't remember trying it. The stench is truly terrible.

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