...just personal things....mixed with some fiction

Posted 3 weeks ago2019-10-29 16:55:49 UTC
Sometimes,I look at all the modders who have made stuff for several games.
I look at their work with despair,knowing that I will never be able to reach their level or fame.

Sometimes,I feel like I'm on the top of the world,after a long,brutal fight.
Just because I finally rigged that hand,or got that code working properly,or I just could do something right.
Sometimes,I wonder why I'm so stupid.Why I can't figure this thing out.
I feel like I shouldn't even be alive,to be honest,just another soul waiting to fade out.

Sometimes,I tell myself to calm down,that I'm doing all right.
Everyone makes mistakes,at times.Why,then do I always feel that I'm an idiot?
I must've been a pretty irresponsible kid and maybe extending up to a small portion of my teenage,I guess.
Or it's probably how my society/culture/you get the idea is.
I seem to...forget it,there's no point in being hopeful.
Focus,focus! I need to get out of here alive! As it is,the whole place is in shambles,many scientists and guards are dead!
It is all my fault...I shouldn't have pushed that thing in...I could have just stayed with Barney's sister...she's cute and besides,Barney knows nothing.

Focus,Gordon,focus! Stop shaking,steady your aim!

Everything would have gone to hell anyway.Someone else would have pushed it in. I couldn't have stopped anything.I'm alive,that all that matters,
get out and call for help.
I wonder if Breen is alright. I need to get my paycheck from him.....

At least, I hear the military is coming to rescue us.But then,why do I feel like something isn't right?
Never mind.First make it out,then think about it later.

-IA

5 Comments

Commented 3 weeks ago2019-10-30 06:33:14 UTC Comment #102408
Nodoby is that stupid -> everybody is just pretending , those who can not manage to achieve -> have not even tried , and those who do not succeed -> did not even want to <- And that is the truth.
Commented 3 weeks ago2019-10-30 13:52:25 UTC Comment #102409
Stojke,
noted.
Commented 2 weeks ago2019-10-30 21:56:25 UTC Comment #102410
To note and to execute are two completely diametric worlds. There are two Serbian words that explain this precicely:

Znanje - Knowledge
Poznanje - Application of knowledge

Start applying.
Commented 2 weeks ago2019-11-01 13:59:12 UTC Comment #102412
I’ve felt the same way. I still do only instead of mapping like it nice was, it’s the indie game scene. In over ten years I still only have snippets of things that I believe could turn into something good and all I need is time and money that I certainly don’t have. Then the depression tells me I’m not good enough, the anxiety tells me I will never be good enough, and the autism tells me I’m stupid. I, too, look at other indie devs and games in despair. Maybe I’m wasting my time.

But-

This community (and many others) is very supportive. We teach each other and learn from each other, from new to veteran alike. Even if that involves learning how to manage yourself because sometimes an artist’s worse hinderance is often some part of themself they have yet to master. If you want to map, find what inspires you no matter what it is. A favorite book, song, movie, especially a game, anything that makes you wonder. Sometimes a competition theme meets that inspiration half-way and you get a whole idea. Whatever gets you going, but you have to at least start. Could always try making a simple room or scene. People will be glad to look at it and see what you can make.

:)
Commented 2 weeks ago2019-11-01 14:34:43 UTC Comment #102413
Modding is, like anything else, something that you get better at with practice. Hell, you can see my early attempts at Half-Life mapping right here on the site. I look back at some of those maps now and cringe.

Now, I am by no means as talented as a LOT of modders out there, but I am comfortable where I am. One thing that has certainly opened my eyes is working on The Core. Working closely with another mapper (Archie) has taught me a number of tips and tricks that I now apply as second nature when working on something new. The downside of this is that you go back and update older maps based on what you learn and you get stuck in a loop until you learn to just cut and run.

Bottom line is, you're not a failure until you give up. Keep trying, upload what you build and listen to the feedback. Some of it will seem harsh but unless people are just trolling, you will be able to take something useful from every bit of feedback, positive or negative.

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