What you are about to read has been brewing and marinating for a long time, twisting my mind and driving me past the brink of sanity. You have been warned.

It is a sad day. Another, otherwise semi-good, movie, I Am Number Four, has been ruined for me, due to ONE actor in the cast. This guy is in a shitload of movies and tv, ruining every show he is in, and he has struck again!

Known only as "Horse Teeth", this goddamn plague is cast in movies and tv frequently because of hollywood looks(well mostly) and he's a gigantic 6'6" tall. Lurking inside though are those hideously large, horribly deformed and shiny pearly whites, that eventually come out in every movie he's in, despite the director yelling at him through the entire movie to keep his big, stupid mouth shut.

Horse teeth is in so much film/tv, he is basically impossible to avoid, impossible to avoid his enormously disproportioned(and deadly) dental assault. Once he opens his mouth in a movie, it's over for me. There on, completely distracted for the rest of the film, all i can think about are the teeth, which even in caricature would never be depicted this large.

He may even actually be a good actor, i wouldn't know, because my eyes and my mind are too busy being immolated by those giganticly-rediculous, aformentioned goddamn huge teeth, for the duration of the movie and weeks after.

'(

Even in I Am Number Four, Horse Teeth is heavily disguised with ridiculous makeup and facial/dental prosthetics, but you can still tell it's horse teeth immediately, as the hideous teeth shine right through the makeup to come and get you. (make no mistake, they will get you. they will get everyone eventually)

Phew.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. I never thought i was so superficial when it comes to peoples looks, but Horse Teeth just brings it out of me.. i'm sorry. He's also from Canada, which is strike 2 and 3 in my book(JK, i love canada, but kidding really about Horse Teeth).

I really have nothing personal against this man, he is probably a nice guy and gives money to charity and stuff, but i just can't take it anymore. Despite this, i can not ignore my duty to television and moviegoers everywhere:

DEAR HORSE TEETH
STOP RUINING MOVIES AND DECENT TV PROGRAM FOR ME BY BEING IN THEM. DO EVERYONE A FAVOR IN HOLLYWOOD AND THE ENTIRE PLANET AND SOLAR SYSTEM AND PLEASE KILL YOURSELF. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU KEEP BEING CAST IN MOVIES, BUT THIS WILL NOT STAND. THIS MUST STOP.

Due to Horse Teeth's involvement in I Am Number Four, I'm giving it a rating of 1/2 star. Thank you Horse Teeth. Thank you for another job well done.

This rant brought to you by Horse Teeth?. Ruining movies and TV since 1997.