Journal #5948

Posted 15 years ago2009-07-15 20:03:57 UTC
Notewell NotewellGIASFELFEBREHBER
EDIT: Chapter one is here: http://www.twhl.co.za/forums.php?thread=16415&page=last
So, I've been thinking of writing a short novel of some kind to practice my writing skills. And I came up with Half-life: Guard duty, A story about Sargeant Henry Pierce, a security guard in Black Mesa. Henry works in the Area 7 Security offices, near the recreation centre. Below is an exerpt from the first chapter, which I just finished. (This is the first section, Pierce is not introduced here)
8:47 AM
Black Mesa Research Facility
Black Mesa, New Mexico
(Tram line)

The young man on the tram glanced at his watch, a look of worry on his face. Late again. The Administrator would have his head if just one more experiment was delayed on his account. The tram, leaving the stop at the sector B coolant reserve launched into its automated welcome speech. Like anyone else was on the tram line this late.
?Good morning, and welcome to the Black Mesa transit system. This automated train is provided for the security and convenience of the Black Mesa research facility personnel??
?It?s gonna be a long day? he thought.

Post below with your opinion, Because I may just post a thread with the chapters in it as soon as they get writen.

18 Comments

Commented 15 years ago2009-07-15 20:11:38 UTC Comment #60368
From that excerpt, I can say that I like your writing style, it flows nicely and isn't boring (well, what I can tell from a short excerpt)

And I definitely think you should post the chapters as you go along, not only would you be sharing the story with the beloved members of TWHL, you would also get some good criticism and opinions along the way.
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-15 20:19:41 UTC Comment #60374
Exactly what I was thinking. I need criticisim to improve, right? And everyone I know personally always says my writing is great, even when it's crap.
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-15 22:02:08 UTC Comment #60366
'It's gonna be a long day' he thought.
"It's going to be a long day," he thought.

Thoughts use the same punctuation as normal speech, and you typically don't use slang in writing, particularaly in thoughts. Only time I believe slang can be accepted is if it's heavy slang rather than slurred words, and it's used to define the character, not because that's the way the writer is.

Just some constructive criticism to help you along.
Other than that, I agree that it flows pretty well and doesn't seem boring as far as I can tell from a small portion.
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-15 22:58:34 UTC Comment #60362
But if the character actually thought "it's gonna be a long day" then why not write it?
Who actualy says "going to be" ?
I know i dont.

lol plenty of people do, but i accept that as defining the character
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-15 23:03:08 UTC Comment #60369
Yeah that's how I thought of it. I think slang is OK in thought, and the speech, but not in the writing.
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-16 00:14:03 UTC Comment #60372
Hey JeffMOD, pretty good excerpt example, I liked it. Way back in high school, I also took a few weeks of story writing classes, so I know that it's really fun to do. A friendly suggestion: Since your story writing is set in the world of Half Life, which as we all know has military elements to it, I would highly recommend you read yourself a Tom Clancy or a Oliver North novel, any will do, really. Those two guys are masters at their craft, especially Tom Clancy. You could really benefit your writing inspiration by checking out the competition's style. And who knows, maybe one they might be making movies of your novels like they do for Tom Clancy. If you want to go sci-fi military, one of the best all time authors on this, is David Drake, I read most of his novels and he is really good too.
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-16 02:39:21 UTC Comment #60365
not bad at all.
glad to see the Barneys getting back into the picture again!
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-16 07:21:00 UTC Comment #60375
@saw: Please see Tetsu0's post.
@Tito: Yeah, I might read some of those author's books. I try to write in the style of movies, even if just to make it easier for the reader to visualize.
@Everyone else: Thanks for the input! :)
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-16 12:45:06 UTC Comment #60363
Keep it up jeffmod!
Make sure to brainstorm an outline before just typing away. Or else your gold quickly turns to shit!
And nobody want's shit around their neck
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-16 15:47:34 UTC Comment #60376
I already have an outline. Valve wrote it. ;)
I write ideas once they develop well enough to be used, at least, once I have free time to do so.
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-16 16:17:09 UTC Comment #60373
You know, if your art skills are good enough, you can make a graphic novel instead.
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-16 16:26:28 UTC Comment #60377
I wish they were.
I once tried to make concept art for a Manga, but it was beginner-level at best. And I'm not too good at drawing complex objects, enviroments, and different poses. Maybe someday, though.
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-16 19:47:02 UTC Comment #60364
or you can Gmod it.
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-16 20:00:59 UTC Comment #60378
Lol, yeah.
Exept I don't have Gmod ATM, plus the Black Mesa devs don't want their content used in Gmod... So I'd have to buy HL:S and have the old Low-definition models.
Maybe someday.
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-17 01:32:29 UTC Comment #60367
Have I heard the name Henry Pierce somewhere else before? It sounds familiar.
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-17 04:42:54 UTC Comment #60370
It does sound a bit familiar to me too.
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-17 07:25:32 UTC Comment #60371
Yes, who is Henry Pierce?
Commented 15 years ago2009-07-17 09:06:37 UTC Comment #60379
I thought I just made it up, but maybe it's used somewhere else.
I wanted to use the name Henry, but also have a hommage to Hawkeye Pierce (Played by Alan Alda) from MASH.

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