Jokes. Created 20 years ago2004-08-13 08:41:31 UTC by BrattyLord

JOKES! JOKES! LETS HEAR YOUR JOKES!

Heres one to start off.

do you know how to catch an elephant?
you dig a deeeeep hole, and fill it with ashes,
and when the elephant comes by,
you kick it in the ashhole.

or even simple blond jokes like:

Why can't a blond double a recipe?
because the oven doesn't go up to 720 degrees! (This is farenheight for all you C people.)

Three tampons walking down the street. Which one do you talk to?

None, they're all stuck up c**ts!

The funniest joke ever.......................Steam!

Hahahahah!

No, I got one.

Why did the Steam cross the road?

• To hopefully get run over.

How many Steams does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten - one to change it while the others kick the sh*t out of you and trash your computer.

How many Steams can you fit in a mini?

You cant. Steam has become the mini.

lol

An undertaker undertook to undertake an undertaking the undertaking that the undertaker undertook was the hardest undertaking that he ever undertook to undertake. If the undertaker undertook to undertake an undertaking, where is the undertaking the undertaker undertook to undertake?

Beat that.

um, i just beat my d*ck, and that's ten times longer...

A blond, a red haired and a brunette found a bottle with a genie inside. The genie said "I will fullfil one wish for every of you" THe blond said "I want to be smart" and she became a red haired. The red haired said "I want to be smarter than her" and she became a brunette. The brunette said "I want to be smarter than them both" and so, she became a man...

Haha, good one.

There shoulda been more commas in that, VOX

An English cat and a French cat decide to have a race across the Channel. The English one's called "one two three", and the French "une deux trois". Which of them wins?

One two three, because une deux trois quatre cinq.

(say it out loud if you don't get it)

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a centaur, and an honest lawyer are walking down the street together. They all see a dollar bill on the street at the same time.

Q.Who gets it?

A. Nobody. They are all mythical creatures.

I still don't get it Seventh.

A very wealthy man had two sons. As do we all, he grew old, and he knew his time was short. He called his sons to him, saying he couldn't decide which of the two sons would get his money when he died. He would determine the son to get his riches by a race. The two sons were set forth the next morning for Kaddisht, a town some twent miles away. The son whose camel was the last to arrive at the finish line would be accounted his father's wealth.

When the sun arose, it found the two men ready for the race, dressed for travel and mounted upon their best camels. Their father gave them his blessing and wished them well, and the race was on. Each son employed every method he could think of to stay behind the other, while the beasts grew restless and the sun sank low behind the desert. By the end of the day, the two men had gone less that 100 paces!

Deeply troubled, the two brothers took shelter at an inn. There they shared wine and discussed their troubles. Each man was wealthy by his own labors and each had business affairs and families to tend. The task their father had given them had no clear end in sight. In pursuing their inheritance, the men were in very real danger of perishing in the desert that lay between the inn and the town of Kaddisht. The men told the barkeep their dilemma. After a moments thought, the barkeep told them two words of advice.

The next morning the brothers both set out for Kaddisht, but this time they rode as fast they could. Tell me, what were the two words the barkeep had told them?

One two three, because une deux trois quatre cinq.

(say it out loud if you don't get it)

Une Deux Trois (the French cat) 'cat sank' (that's how 'quatre cinq' is pronounced).

Two ints and a Float are in a bar. They spot an attractive Double on her own. The first int walks up to her. "Hey, baby", he says, "my VM or yours". She slaps him and he walks back dejected.

The second int walks over. "Hey, cute-stuff, can I cook your Beans for breakfast". After a quick slapping, he too walks back.

The Float then ambles over casually. "Were those two primitive types bothering you?", he remarks.

"Yes. I'm so glad you're here", she says. "They just had no Class!"

hehehe

One day, Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, and God saw that he was bored. God came down, and said to Adam

"I see that you are bored, so I will give you a companion. She will be beutiful in every way, smarter than any creature, more kind and loving than all before her. She shall serve you, and love you."

Adam thought at this and asked God

"Wow, thats pretty good, but, how much will this cost me?"

and God answered

"An arm and a leg"

so Adam Thought a moment and said

"Oh, thats a lot, what can I get for a rib?"

I Have at least 1 million jokes stored up, and I'll tell them here periodically.

ive heard that one before seventh.
i didnt get it the first time i heard it either lol

Let me guess, my riddle is too hard for you children to understand.

A man walks into a bar and is instantly knocked out, why?

Because it's a bar....those things hurt when you walk right into them, y'know.

That was veeery hard. I'm always up for a challenge though .

Riddles eh?

Two men are sitting on a bench. One says "What can I do Father?". The one who said this however was not the other ones son. Explain.

What happened on the 31st of June, 1941?

Did Sevenths joke really suck?

Er, afaik, there was no june 31st, 1941....Leap year methinks.

Is the guy on the bench speaking to a priest/reverend/someone of that sort?

um, i have a joke:

a guy walks into a psychiatrists office with saran wraped shorts, and the psychiatrist says, well i can clearly see your nuts.

here's another one:

(this one may not be that funny)

what nationality are you when you go to the bathroom?
European. get it?

European- Your-A-Peein'

VOX: "no credit"?

Floater, noooooo.....

Some amusing things to do in a crowded elevator:

Smack your forehead and mutter : "Shut up! Shut up! All of you just shut up!"

Crack open your breifcase or purse, peer inside, and ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare, grinning, at another passangeer for a while, then announce: "I've got new socks on."

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passangers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Stare at another passanger for a while, then announce: "Your one of them." Then move to the far corner of the elevator.

Walk with an appropriatly sized cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

Wear a childs puppet on your hand and use it to talk to other passengers.

Say "Ding" at every floor.

Draw a little square with chalk on the floor and announce to the other passengers that it is your "Personal space"

Anounce in a demonic voice "I must find a more suitable host body"

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Brought tears to my eyes

I've heard some pretty elevatorial pastimes, but they're all fresh on me.

They were good bratty, i liked the got enough air in there one.
VOX what did the dude say.
Don't keep me in suspense.

7 fun things to do in a mall:

1: Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"

2: If your patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

3: Sprint up and down an escalator.

4: Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

5: At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

6: Rummage through the jelly-bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

7: In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France...."

BL, those are excellent.
I still have tears in my eyes.

i like no.4

Same.

haha! that bloody gr8 m8!

I did numbers 2, 3, 4, and 6 b4.

Instead of contact lens in #6 I said lollipop. The guy asked me if I had already licked it and I said yes, then I said "I got to go the bathroom, make sure nobody buys jellybeans." I came back a mintue later (I didn't really go to the bathroom) and reached into the jellybean bin again and said "Tell someone that the sinks don't work." Then I ran off.

Here's one:

a guy is in an elevator, with a woman, and she is carrying a briefcase, the guy say's, "I can see you have alot of baggage." they just stare at each other, then the guy gets off.

then the guy gets off.

Pervert

Here's yet another one:

a frat dude, let's say his name is "Jim" sneaks into a Sorrority Girls house and hide's under Misty's bed. He watches her all night and she stays up all night studying, so Jim was getting thirsty, and he see's some water on the desk, he reaches up and snatche's it. Misty was too busy in her studies that she didn't notice his hand. He drinks it and feels refreshed.The he puts the glass back [empty] then Misty finnaly goes to sleep. The next morning she wakes up and says "My Contact Lens Fluid is Gone!, And so are my contacts!". Jim looks at the glass in which he drank out of on the desk. It was Misty's Contact lens fluid!

True Story

There was a variant of that that was an urban legend....

speaking of real jokes.
The following are actual exerpts from classified sections of city newspapers.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semiannual after-Christmas sale.

Gile wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Now is your chance to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home with you too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery, we do it carfully, by hand.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appriciates. Automatically burns toast.

Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Prostitutes appeal to Pope.

Plane to close to ground, crash probe told.

1 Paracute, used once, never opened.

The last three are the only of these I myself really like, but I have to collect all the jokes I hear, so here are all of them.

Haven't heard the last few before.

The answer to my big riddle was:

"Change Camels"

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

H-ellifino.

Heh, I like that

1 tent, used once, trade for baby crib.

Like that h-ellifino one VOX.

ohhh, I was about to tell that one with the first elephant joke, but decided it wasn't that funney, lol.

Here is a group of medical terms as defined by blonds.
Barium What to do when treatment fails
Bowel Letters like A E I O or U.
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic Sheepdog
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker
Hangnail Coat Hook
Labor Pain Hurt at work
Tablet Small table
Tumor more than one
Varicose Nearby
Vein Conceited

Me finds me jokes very witty.

I like the "tablet" one best.

I like that one and the "tumor" one.

What do you get when you cross a guy with dial-up internet and a gay guy.

A lag-fag.

I always use that in CS when some1 lags.

S.P.A.M.:

S: Specially
P: Processed
A: Animal
M: Membranes

Spontaniously
Posting
Anoying
Messages

Thats the real one.

Whats the difference between Osama Bin Laden and a bucket of dirt?

the bucket.