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Disco Clone
Hi
Weird nature about the internet. It's both a place to share and not share. What's ok to share, what's not?
Why do I feel more comfortable sending this here as opposed to other online communities, my online friends?
I don't need to share this. I could write this personally just for myself. In this case I already have but I think it's still a fascinating thing to think about.
Maybe it isn't at all and I'm just weird. I already know I am aha.
I'm kind of fortunate enough to have not suffered any major death in my life yet. My grandfather died whilst I was still in the weird "baby comatose state", so that didn't really effect me. I lost a dog, which sucks but at the end of the day isn't a human. A great uncle died and whilst it was a little upsetting, didn't effect me too much.
On Tuesday (yesterday for me) my whole class was gathered up. Someone from our grade had taken their own life. I was quite shocked. Still am.
I didn't really speak to the girl. We had spoken before but we weren't even 'just say hi acquaintances', very neutral to each other I suppose.
I think this is why I wasn't able to have a deeper, more physical emotional response. I simply didn't have that connection. I felt hit in a more "abstract", general or broader way. I just felt (and again still feel) numb, plain, blank, empty.
I couldn't relate to some of the other people in the class. I hadn't really lost somebody before and in this particular situation I didn't lose a friend or family member. Yet it still kind of really hit me. Nobody wants to think or expects that suicide is the path someone will take. Then to hear and have it confirmed they did is pretty heavy hitting.
I didn't speak to her but I saw her, I heard her. She was in my classes, she spoke, she did things. She had a presence within the grade.
Obviously what is shown to the outside doesn't always accurately reflect what somebody is feeling on the inside. Even knowing this concept it's still such a surprise. She was with me on a trip only two weeks ago, speaking and laughing with her friends. She was here last week. She was here Monday, alive. In between me leaving school and arriving in the morning on Tuesday she took her own life.
She's a young adult just like me, at a big opening point in life. She's a person just like me. There's an acknowledgement of her as a person that exists. It's not some far away, unrecognisable name or person.
It's also kind of struck me because I've never applied the thought of mortality to people at school. Obviously I know that death is a thing. Accidents, illnesses and unfortunately things like this can happen. Still, I don't think of a person at school, especially a student, especially one within my grade as being mortal. People dying within your grade isn't a thing that feels like it should happen.
Nobody will be able to gauge exactly all her thoughts and feelings, especially in the moment. I can't confirm whether she did or didn't try to reach out to somebody, whether in the past or even right before it happened. But to think how she must have felt. For however long she had been suffering and before taking her life. To think that at the end of it all, the only perceived option for her was to take her own life over anything else.
I guess it just makes me feel empty. I feel sad and weird because it happened. I then feel weird that I care so much despite having no real connection with her. I feel guilty that I get to just live right now. I feel guilty that I feel this way considering the way her friends and family must feel. I don't know what I can do support or help in the situation, I don't know whether I should.
I just don't know...
Journal over. A weirdly comforting song from a movie genre not so associated with comforting...
Weird nature about the internet. It's both a place to share and not share. What's ok to share, what's not?
Why do I feel more comfortable sending this here as opposed to other online communities, my online friends?
I don't need to share this. I could write this personally just for myself. In this case I already have but I think it's still a fascinating thing to think about.
Maybe it isn't at all and I'm just weird. I already know I am aha.
I'm kind of fortunate enough to have not suffered any major death in my life yet. My grandfather died whilst I was still in the weird "baby comatose state", so that didn't really effect me. I lost a dog, which sucks but at the end of the day isn't a human. A great uncle died and whilst it was a little upsetting, didn't effect me too much.
On Tuesday (yesterday for me) my whole class was gathered up. Someone from our grade had taken their own life. I was quite shocked. Still am.
I didn't really speak to the girl. We had spoken before but we weren't even 'just say hi acquaintances', very neutral to each other I suppose.
I think this is why I wasn't able to have a deeper, more physical emotional response. I simply didn't have that connection. I felt hit in a more "abstract", general or broader way. I just felt (and again still feel) numb, plain, blank, empty.
I couldn't relate to some of the other people in the class. I hadn't really lost somebody before and in this particular situation I didn't lose a friend or family member. Yet it still kind of really hit me. Nobody wants to think or expects that suicide is the path someone will take. Then to hear and have it confirmed they did is pretty heavy hitting.
I didn't speak to her but I saw her, I heard her. She was in my classes, she spoke, she did things. She had a presence within the grade.
Obviously what is shown to the outside doesn't always accurately reflect what somebody is feeling on the inside. Even knowing this concept it's still such a surprise. She was with me on a trip only two weeks ago, speaking and laughing with her friends. She was here last week. She was here Monday, alive. In between me leaving school and arriving in the morning on Tuesday she took her own life.
She's a young adult just like me, at a big opening point in life. She's a person just like me. There's an acknowledgement of her as a person that exists. It's not some far away, unrecognisable name or person.
It's also kind of struck me because I've never applied the thought of mortality to people at school. Obviously I know that death is a thing. Accidents, illnesses and unfortunately things like this can happen. Still, I don't think of a person at school, especially a student, especially one within my grade as being mortal. People dying within your grade isn't a thing that feels like it should happen.
Nobody will be able to gauge exactly all her thoughts and feelings, especially in the moment. I can't confirm whether she did or didn't try to reach out to somebody, whether in the past or even right before it happened. But to think how she must have felt. For however long she had been suffering and before taking her life. To think that at the end of it all, the only perceived option for her was to take her own life over anything else.
I guess it just makes me feel empty. I feel sad and weird because it happened. I then feel weird that I care so much despite having no real connection with her. I feel guilty that I get to just live right now. I feel guilty that I feel this way considering the way her friends and family must feel. I don't know what I can do support or help in the situation, I don't know whether I should.
I just don't know...
Journal over. A weirdly comforting song from a movie genre not so associated with comforting...
Just little. No big thoughts here.
I played through and finished Doom and Doom II semi-recently. I've played both of them before but never finished either so I just went for it I guess?
I then also tried out Ultimate Doom Builder which was fun. It is limited in what you can do (especially "vanilla" Doom stuff) but it's pretty simple to get into.
As I was doing it though, I sorta ran into the same thoughts and problems I have with Half-Life level creation.
1. I'm just slow. I can learn the keyboard shortcuts and little tricks that speed up the process but I still feel really slow when making a level. Like simple rooms feel like they take a while? Way longer than they probably should. Which makes it feel like a chore? I really do like doing stuff with Hammer or UDB but sometimes it feels like a slog.
2. I struggle with my "vision". Half-Life and Doom both have their areas and styles I guess? I'm someone who personally likes to make maps that sort of feel in line with the real stuff. So I look at a chapter in Half-Life or some levels in Doom and try and make my own level using similar ideas? But then when I get to actually making the map, I start getting unsure of how to do it. I can go back to an official level to see how they did things but then once I come back to my own, I feel like my mind just blanks and I forget everything I just looked at. I also don't always know how I want my map to be geometry-wise. I've tried doing blockouts but I feel weird doing them? (I don't really know why, they just don't feel right.) I also struggle trying to do sketches or drawings of the layout of my map. This ends up contributing to me being slow or just feeling done with the level and wanting to move on, starting a new map and repeating the same cycle.
Another issue related to it I guess is texturing. I like having things on a nice grid to follow, making sure textures are all 1:1 scale or at least at a scale that looks right. But then I'll have something that goes off the nice 32, 64 grid and for some reason I freak out? If I force it onto the nice grid, everything feels too squarish, if I force myself to go to a lower grid I get unsure of how to texture things that don't fully fit? Especially with Doom where IMO it's a bit more "ok" to have abstract shapes and angles, the textures get goofy and I'm not sure if I try and make them fit or just go with it.
And that's it I think. I'm not sure how to articulate my thoughts very well so...
Just I really like doing this stuff but I feel so incompetent. (Well I am but, y'know)
Journal over. https://youtu.be/kUOoq3aDyrs
I played through and finished Doom and Doom II semi-recently. I've played both of them before but never finished either so I just went for it I guess?
I then also tried out Ultimate Doom Builder which was fun. It is limited in what you can do (especially "vanilla" Doom stuff) but it's pretty simple to get into.
As I was doing it though, I sorta ran into the same thoughts and problems I have with Half-Life level creation.
1. I'm just slow. I can learn the keyboard shortcuts and little tricks that speed up the process but I still feel really slow when making a level. Like simple rooms feel like they take a while? Way longer than they probably should. Which makes it feel like a chore? I really do like doing stuff with Hammer or UDB but sometimes it feels like a slog.
2. I struggle with my "vision". Half-Life and Doom both have their areas and styles I guess? I'm someone who personally likes to make maps that sort of feel in line with the real stuff. So I look at a chapter in Half-Life or some levels in Doom and try and make my own level using similar ideas? But then when I get to actually making the map, I start getting unsure of how to do it. I can go back to an official level to see how they did things but then once I come back to my own, I feel like my mind just blanks and I forget everything I just looked at. I also don't always know how I want my map to be geometry-wise. I've tried doing blockouts but I feel weird doing them? (I don't really know why, they just don't feel right.) I also struggle trying to do sketches or drawings of the layout of my map. This ends up contributing to me being slow or just feeling done with the level and wanting to move on, starting a new map and repeating the same cycle.
Another issue related to it I guess is texturing. I like having things on a nice grid to follow, making sure textures are all 1:1 scale or at least at a scale that looks right. But then I'll have something that goes off the nice 32, 64 grid and for some reason I freak out? If I force it onto the nice grid, everything feels too squarish, if I force myself to go to a lower grid I get unsure of how to texture things that don't fully fit? Especially with Doom where IMO it's a bit more "ok" to have abstract shapes and angles, the textures get goofy and I'm not sure if I try and make them fit or just go with it.
And that's it I think. I'm not sure how to articulate my thoughts very well so...
Just I really like doing this stuff but I feel so incompetent. (Well I am but, y'know)
Journal over. https://youtu.be/kUOoq3aDyrs
A few days ago I uploaded shanty 1 and 2.
The name came from another level I gave up on a bit before. 'shawty'
Uh. I updated it maybe 2 days later I think? Adding those sorta pipes you can see in the first proper engagement with the soldiers.
Along with some vents.
Then I started working on 3 and 4.
I had the idea for the thing to go reverse half life. Instead of Office Complex to We've Got Hostiles it'd go WGH to OC.
But then I started doing the office and didn't like it. So I kinda just tried to rush it through to bring it back the storage part.
One day I might go through and make it better but I can't be bothered right now.
In map 4 I made a large crate delivery room/storage. Idk. I think its kinda cool. A crate goes by overhead as well.
They're both light on combat compared to 1 and 2 but I'm thinking it'll be good to go
ACTION-less action-ACTION
Map 5 and maybe 6 are intended to be on the surface. This scares me though as I haven't really done anything on the surface. I'm scared I'll butcher the cliffs or just. It won't look right.
So we'll see how that turns out
Before I go onto 5, I'm going to try and reduce the number of crates in 1 and 2, do the big doors differently, maybe add different cover or the little crane thingies. All things I got told about in the comments. Which was really weird to see. I didn't expect this little. Little goofy map to be worthy of a comment.
Uh journal. over. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hr6gtbwkqwc
The name came from another level I gave up on a bit before. 'shawty'
Uh. I updated it maybe 2 days later I think? Adding those sorta pipes you can see in the first proper engagement with the soldiers.
Along with some vents.
Then I started working on 3 and 4.
I had the idea for the thing to go reverse half life. Instead of Office Complex to We've Got Hostiles it'd go WGH to OC.
But then I started doing the office and didn't like it. So I kinda just tried to rush it through to bring it back the storage part.
One day I might go through and make it better but I can't be bothered right now.
In map 4 I made a large crate delivery room/storage. Idk. I think its kinda cool. A crate goes by overhead as well.
They're both light on combat compared to 1 and 2 but I'm thinking it'll be good to go
ACTION-less action-ACTION
Map 5 and maybe 6 are intended to be on the surface. This scares me though as I haven't really done anything on the surface. I'm scared I'll butcher the cliffs or just. It won't look right.
So we'll see how that turns out
Before I go onto 5, I'm going to try and reduce the number of crates in 1 and 2, do the big doors differently, maybe add different cover or the little crane thingies. All things I got told about in the comments. Which was really weird to see. I didn't expect this little. Little goofy map to be worthy of a comment.
Uh journal. over. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hr6gtbwkqwc