Journal #6638

It's a good effort- keep at it, and you'll be a great writer.
Could use a bit more dialogue for my tastes, though.

Yea, it needs more description, and it moves a little to fast.

Wow, you definitely weren't kidding when you called it a short story - emphasis on the short.

I love to see people still taking an interest in reading and writing as its something which is greatly under-appreciated by the younger generation. I love video games and I love movies but nothing provides the escapism a truly wonderful book can.

However, this story is rushed in every sense of the word. Not only do your three chapters barely scrape the average length of a single chapter in a novel (let alone the length of a full short story,) and the situations in which your character finds himself are very poorly realised. There's a complete lack of description of even basic location, let alone atmosphere or sensory information such as sound or smell. The start of Chapter 2 is a good example: I understand that you have to convey the disorientation of waking up from being knocked out, but you have to tell the reader that. You haven't given any indication whatsoever as to where your character has landed - or for that matter that they've landed at all.
When writing from a personal perspective, you have to constantly think - What can the character see, hear, smell, feel and taste right now? How do they feel about it? - and then you have to convey that to the reader. Otherwise, they'll never get engrossed in the fate of the character and will remain detached throughout. Lack of information also makes understanding the narrative a chore as the reader struggles to try to fill in missing information.

There are also quite a few examples of poorly structured sentences - more often than not due to overuse of commas.

Finally, there's a few wee niggles with the narrative itself such as how the US soldier knows your character has been "out for about an hour" and other slight trips in reality like that.

It's a great start and I fully encourage you to continue writing - I only criticize so harshly so that you learn from mistakes and make your next projects better - just like I would if it was a map I was reviewing. Also just like a map - every scene needs to be as detailed as possible.

Nice Ambition you got there. I wanted to make a book / movie on my grandmothers life once. A very sad book / movie that would of been. I'm not really into such stuff though.