I'm really surprised I remembered the password to this account. The last computer I used to log into TWHL was a family tower computer that came with a sparking brand new operating system called Windows 7. In the time I've started using the site I graduated high school, got my diploma, and gained and lost jobs.

Half-Life along with the first Unreal Tournament were not only the first first-person shooter games I ever played, but also the first ones I played that came with their own map editors. Being a preteen without a real creative outlet, I quickly went to task to learn how to make rooms and boxes.
Seeing how I wasn't out of elementary school at the time, I had no knowledge about concepts such as player flow, the importance of lighting, and basic optimization techniques. I was making square rooms and crates, but they were my square rooms and crates, and that made me happy.

I've been a lurker on this site for over a decade. I remember scrolling through the new Half-Life map vault submissions for new deathmatch maps to play with friends. I remember listening to a version of Bohemian Rhapsody with lyrics replaced by TWHL in-jokes. I remember following along with the developer updates of The Core, and I remember the first time I had ever tried to be a part of an online community. At the time, the tutorials and resources hosted on TWHL ranked very high on the search results when you Googled Goldsource tutorials. I visited the site enough to eventually break and create an account. Maybe I'd eventually upload some maps of my own now that I was actually starting to piece things together.

I was very shy on the internet back then. I didn't make an account to use the forms or make friends, so when I penned and published my first journal entry on this site, I was almost horrified that it was publicly posted. My anxiety was assuaged however when people were mostly supportive that I had shared that I knew how to make turrets work. I had accidentally made first landing with the community.

I continued messing with Half-Life, all the while posting on TWHL more journal updates about what I had been up to from making songs with default FL Studio plugin presets, to what MS-Paint quality game I was making with Game Maker 8. Eventually I had completed my first ever map. It was a basic house design made by someone who had just got the hang of how to create brushes, used the carve tool for everything, and didn't have any structured plan for the map and added rooms and objects as they went.

After uploading my map and receiving comments there were trying to be as diplomatic as possible to someone who'd just uploaded their first ever map of a collection of brushes that dares to call itself a house, I took a break from the site for one reason or another and didn't return for several months. When I got back, due to what I still can only assume was a practical joke played on me, Apartment had won a Map of the Month Award. Not only that, but it won by a staggering margin against maps that were made by people who weren't 14 years old. It beat out maps that actually had talented people crafting them instead of someone who made an octagonal brush and called it a table. And the reward for winning the award was that one of the site's mods had to create a review video of it. The task begrudgingly fell on Urby.
User posted image
Watching today, the video is hilarious. Allegedly, Urby had an undisclosed amount of alcohol in him as the camera was pointed at him to record his thoughts. I'd have made the same video were I in their shoes; it's a shit rough-brushed layout, and it got called out as such. Why was the outside plasterboard? Why was it in space? Why were the floors more than 64 units thick? Why was the windowless house 90% dead ends? Why did people vote for it for Map of the Month? Honestly, the video makes itself.

I was 14 at the time, however, and when I watched it then I didn't find it funny at all. I legitimately remember tearing up that someone was eviscerating not only the first map I ever made, but the first piece of content I had ever stepped out of my comfort zone shared online. It took me quite a while to get over it.

When I was 12 I went to a 3-week long sleepover camp. It was the first time I had ever spent an elongated amount of time away from my parents, and I dealt rather badly with it. I didn't like the food being served, I had a loose tooth that really hurt but didn't want to fall out, and I missed my parents dearly. I remember being in the office of the head of the camp, crying that I wanted to go home. It took me a while to get over it.

The point I'm making here is that the Apartment debacle was just one of the many important life lessons I would learn growing up. I actually point to this event helping me develop healthy attitudes when it comes to receiving criticism and feedback, especially if they come from people who know what they're taking about. Urby wasn't going to go on camera and lie about how my map was good for someone who was new to map making. It won the award, and it was going to be held to the standard that all other MotM winners were. I had to learn this lesson at some point if I wanted to participate in an online community, and in retrospect I'm glad I learned it here instead of somewhere else where it could've gone much, much worse.

So what I have done since then? Since then I almost became one of the best Lethal League 1 players in the world, peaking at #8 in tournament ELO in 2015. I learned how to map in the DOOM engine and after studying racing game design theory and I got my first ever map, Coastal Temple Zone, included in the release of the Sonic Robo Blast 2: Kart community cup, available in every vanilla installation of the game. I became the fastest speedrunner of Kirby and the Amazing Mirror for both Any% and 100% outside of Japan. But beyond that, I've been floundering from community to community, never really finding my place.

One of my personal issues when it comes to my hobbies is that I'm a serial starter. I hyper focus on a particular interest very hard for around 5 months, then move on to something else. The upside is that. The downside is that I end up disappearing for years without really a trace and end up decaying ties with friends I might have made - just ask the SRB2K discord about that. I tried returning to TWHL in 2015 or so, but it didn't stick, and I was soon off doing other things.

So what was the point of this journal? Well one thing, I guess this acts as my "Hey, hope you're doing well!" to all the nice people I met over the decade on this site, if they even read this far into this word salad that assuredly has many typos and grammar mistakes. While I haven't really done anything here in years, I'll always remember this place and am so happy it still exists (and by all accounts, is still active). I still sometimes boot up my copy of Jackhammer and start brushing out a Half-Life Deathmatch map that will never be finished. Maybe I'll finish one for old time sakes and upload it. I don't think I ever really redeemed myself. ;)
jamie3 weeks ago2023-03-01 02:37:57 UTC 13 comments
Might be just me over reacting or overthinking things, but lately ive spended a shit ton of time getting drunk and drinking and shit like that.
It has got to the point that cops came to my house 3 times because i made a lot of noise, and the neighbours thought that i was in a fight or there was domestic abuse or bullshit like that. I dont even got friends.
Sometimes i get too lonely and start drinking. And its becoming more frequent, and im afraid i might become alcoholic. I mean, it would be reallly nice to become alcoholic with friends, right?.
At least its not drugs. Nah fuck it, there aint no bright side to this shit.
Once i whispered to myself while at work "How about if i go drink to a bar and make friends? That would be nice". But then i again, like i always do, overtought everything and decided to not to go because i was deeply afraid of screwing up everything.

I still dont have friends. I dont know why. I tried the advice that people gave me on my journals, but for some reason they dont call me after 2 or 3 weeks. Its like an ephemeral friendship. Now that i think about it, it aint even a fucking friendship. Its just like, i dont know but it aint makin friends. Its like when you meet someone and you get along and shit like that, but no more than that. Like first day at school. Now that i also think about it and look back, i never had any actual friends in my life. Am i an asshole? Am i a bad person? Is that why i dont have friends? Am i being a nuisance to you? Do i bother you guys with posting my journals and empting my head here? Sometimes i consider writing all of the stuff that goes in my head to post it here, but i feel like im just being a fucking asshole. Im not even sure if im going to post this. I always start writing stuff to vent (apparently thats how you call it) and i think about posting it here but i feel like im just being too selfish or making uncomfortable other people.

Im getting really nervous right now. I dont know why. Is it because im overthinking shit again? I feel like if i post this right now, i will just annoy or make uncomfortable people here. I feel like shit right now.
"I think". Why do i think?.
I probably started drinking to keep my mind busy. I always try to focus on other things and not to think too much. I need to keep my head either too full or too empty to not to overthink everything.

Im being a fucking nuisance, am i? Im just bothering you with my problems. Why do journals even exist? Why did i started writing? This was a fucking mistake.

A part of me wants to post this to "vent", but the other half wants to not to post it, because i feel like im just being fucking selfish.
Am i crazy? Or just overthinking everything?.

Is that why i dont have friends? Because im too anxious? Because i always overthink shit?
I started work on a mod called Half-Life Retail, which as the name suggests was aimed at bringing back the game to the condition of the original 1998 release, which had several features that the later versions do not. Namely:
  • Those old shadows, which were just the model flattened on the floor at an angle.
  • A different type of view model bobbing, where the effect wasn't like it is today(basically the same as Quake 1's).
  • Having fleshy hit sounds play as a sort of hit indicator when you shoot an NPC.
  • The old Quake-style view roll when you turn around while running, or strafing.
However, I also started toying around with some stuff I felt would be nice to have. Basically, one feature I added was to insert per-vertex lights into the game by relying on light.rad and the level geometry. Of course, I will make this toggleable via the options for those who do not want it. Another feature I also added over from the Raven Beta sandbox mod, is stencil shadows which are cast by these lights.

Another feature I have in mind is to allow gl_overbright to work both on models and the world. I dislike how flat lighting is in OpenGL, and this would basically fix that issue. This too of course would be toggleable.

Anyone interested in perhaps playing a release of this mod? If so, I will probably end up creating a github page for it and updating it there, but also releasing it here on TWHL, and perhaps ModDB. Not sure about the latter though.

Also if you have some other features from the original retail you would like to see, I'm all ears.
satchmo3 weeks ago2023-02-28 12:47:25 UTC 3 comments
I am resigning from my job in two months.

After that, I will do some traveling--first to Taiwan, then Australia, and finally Guatemala.

I start my instrument pilot training in August, and I should have my certified flight instructor's license by the end of this year.
Meerjel013 weeks ago2023-02-27 16:56:02 UTC 3 comments
Modding consoles are a veteran job :)

I'm in regret again about the things that I did to people. Not just here but everywhere else. I'm too toxic okay?
It's okay to say that people are ignoring me because of my lackluster drawing skills and bad behavior.
For me The Scariest Parts about Windows Are The Malware That Were Hidden Or Even Corrupted System After The Updates But also Stuck In Black Screen For about 15 Minutes, stuck on Game Freezing that cannot be alt + win + del and Alt tab, Virtual Machine Virus Can Spread Through Main Host Machine and Blue Screen.

How about you guys? Many of People who uses PC/Laptop too much somehow causes unnoticed issues..I wanna know what are you experiencing
Admer4563 weeks ago2023-02-23 08:38:54 UTC 9 comments
Mmm feels like 12 but in reverse. Haven't had the cake yet tho'.

I've been spending the past 3-4 days with my boyfriend, absolutely love the lil bastard. He'll be here for another 7 days, but either way, I am terribly happy. I got to experience my first kiss, which was one hell of an experience. We've gone shopping together, I showed him around all kinds of places, showed him a bunch of food here (ćevapi, kebab, Mum's potato & cheese pie), and we've still got a lot more to do~

So yeah, this is life for me. Spending time with a beloved one. I love the feeling. I haven't had a hug in a very long time (5 years!!!) and now I am getting those every day. It feels absolutely amazing and I don't wanna trade it for anything else.

You know, a time ago I said to myself I'd take a break from programming to just enjoy life a bit. That never really happened. But now it's happening, so it's kinda nice, not having to think about my engine project, or ADM, or the HL SDK series... is this what vacation feels like?
FranticDreamer3 weeks ago2023-02-23 04:19:50 UTC 4 comments
Overfloater1 month ago2023-02-22 22:12:32 UTC 0 comments
Lei Shi1 month ago2023-02-20 09:20:58 UTC 6 comments
My English skills do not allow me to communicate freely with you, so the foreign language portion of my conversations and comments comes from translation software. I will publish the original words and the translated version at the same time, in this way as far as possible to reduce the misunderstanding caused by inaccurate translation results. Please understand.
jamie1 month ago2023-02-18 21:29:50 UTC 2 comments
How did you meeted your friends? How did you got close to them or how did your first conversation started?
Dr. Orange1 month ago2023-02-18 12:24:28 UTC 4 comments
Roses are red,
violets are blue.
Today is the day
I become
jamie1 month ago2023-02-18 03:29:20 UTC 1 comment
That song was stuck in my head since the other week. It has been playing over and over in my head. I didn't knew why, until yesterday.
Yesterday, i had a dream (or a nightmare) where i died alone in the church and was buried along with my name, and nobody came. And the only thing i saw, was Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walked from my grave, and i wasn't saved.
I woke up, feeling that i couldn't breathe for a second. It was 2:33 a.m. I couldn't sleep. I keeped asking in my head "Will i end up alone, like her? Alone? If i died right now, would somebody come to my funeral? Would someone cry for me? Would anyone even fucking notice that i died?".

Then i closed my eyes, took a deep breath and remembered how it was to have friends. How we spended time together, and had fun. How we used to get drunk and do stupid shit all night long, and how we used to sing. I feeled a warmth in my chest and i started crying.
And then i realized it. We used to sing a lot of Beatle´s songs while we were drunk and taking sips from the bottle. I remember what i was thinking right in that moment. The taste of the beer, how warm was the bottle. All of us laughing at the fact that we were terrible singing.

I opened my eyes. And i stared at the wall. And i started laughing. I feeled amazingly happy. I stood up and started singing the whole damn song.
Then i got drunk and started singing a lot of Beatles songs, and i was laughing. That was, until the upstair neighbors called the cops.

I never feeled that happy since years.
Meerjel011 month ago2023-02-10 10:01:36 UTC 4 comments
Science Team
Le prison is a parkour level, that have's monsters in them (progressively),
Yeah, you have to do some platforming and also kill monsters, very original idea isn't it?
But yeah, this is going to be my first map that isn't a test map.
Or should I say, isn't only one map, yeah it is a multiple map project.
So, it's going to take me a long ass time.

No sneak peek today.

See you on my next journal!!