How old is she?

Slightly older than me. Does it make a difference?

I've had 4 girlfriends, only it was actually 2 who I dated twice in the 3rd grade. i was pimpin

ha, dimbark reminded me of a book I (didn't) read, in it a 11 or 12 year old did something with a friend of hers. And the book goes "and that was how it was."

Guess I'm not supposed to expect a mature opinion here.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

How old are you?

(I've had experience in these kinds of things)

I knew a easily 3 or 4 girls I could have eventually dated... if I never moved away from my hometown. :<

Ok, so you're the same age as me.

This kind of thing can happen for a few different reasons:

1. You did something to upset her, more than likely not directly. It might have been an offhand comment that was taken out of context, or an innocent joke. In fact, it's probably going to be something that's not offensive at all, but possibly changed her opinion of you.

2. There was more to the friendship than you realise. Again, this ties into point one slightly: if something happened that damaged the possibility of a relationship, she may have reacted poorly to it.

3. External factors. I'm not sure of her story, but someone new in her life may have been influencing her and so on.

In my experience, this kind of stuff is fairly common at those ages, which is why I can't recommend highly enough NOT getting properly involved with someone until, at the very least, your late teens. On a purely chemical level, your bodies are going mental and very easily affect your judgement and thought process. As well as that, there's a critical lack of life experience to guide you wisely through certain situations.

I believe that in this situation you should definitely step up and be the better person here. Contact her, and kindly, but firmly say that it's nice to hear from you again but that you feel that you drifted away and would just like to know why. Provided you don't sound arrogant or angry (and provided she isn't a lunatic), you should get an answer.

And so ends Dr. Ant's relationship chat. Tune in tomorrow when I help a lesbian couple move in with their parents!

Funny you say that.

1. There's probably no way I find out without asking. And even then she might not tell me.
2. She once said she wasn't ready for something more, but even then nothing changed for quite some time.
3. All her gay friends may have coerced her into turning lesbian. She has a girlfriend now.

Here's a rough timeline of all the shizzle:

Statement mentioned in [2].
Perhaps a year later - Her near disappearance.
Fast forward another year or so - she pretends to show up again, tells me she's into girls, shortly after she has a girlfriend then completely disappears once again.
Another year or so (lost track of time after I decided not to give a shit anymore): I receive email, I angrily post about it in TWHL.

I give up, I think I lost any interest. Perhaps it's better she disappears completely once and for all.

Sounds like you're blowing a simple "I miss keeping in touch with you" a bit out of proportion. But yes, giving a girl less attention is often a good way to get her attention.

You don't just disappear from the world and ignore your friends and then expect everything to be fine as if nothing happened. She DID NOT WANT to keep in touch with me.

I don't think you can be 'turned lesbian', but the new people in her life could've had a big impact on her personality.

Look, I don't think it's the right thing to angrily dismiss this. I can understand if you aren't interested in rekindling the friendship again, but you should definitely be the more mature person here by ending it sensibly. If you're sincere, it may be enough to get her to start looking at herself more deeply and possibly realise the mistakes she's made. Trust me, it does happen.

That won't get me my friend back, but neither will "FUCK YOU". I'd rather attempt to talk about it in person, but I highly doubt it'll happen. Meanwhile, I can do the same I've been doing all this time: Reply politely to remain in peace while I figure out what to do.

Stu, you may very well have done absolutely nothing wrong. One of the facts of life is that friends come, and friends go. More often than not, friends simply drift their separate ways with no hard feelings. You can't let this fact ruin the memories of the good times, or it will make you miserable.

And no, you can't be turned gay.

I will share with you one of life's little secrets, one that's not necessarily pleasant or easy to think about: Gay and straight are just words in a language invented by humans. There is no such thing as homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual. There is sexual, and asexual. Asexual doesn't exist in humans, we are incapable of reproducing on our own.

I'm aware this view may anger certain people, and I mean absolutely no offense by it.

Blitzkrieg, that is one of the most ridicoulus things I have ever heard.

"Gay and straight are just words in a language invented by humans." What does that even mean? Ofcourse gay and straight are just words, but they are words describing actual things, as all other words.

How did you learn this "secret of life"? Do tell.

They are describing actual things, yes. Our sexual preferences. They are that and only that though, preferences. You see another human being, the wad of flesh and chemicals in your head releases some hormones, and you call it love.

If you were raised to believe that you are born one or the other, or that it is a choice, or that it is genetic, you will obviously have trouble with it.

Again, I said it was not easy to think about. Best not to dwell on it, especially if you are less than totally secure with yourself.

Stu: You're asking the wrong people. Tell your friend about your concerns, there's probably a reasonable explanation. No use getting worked up about something when you don't know all the details.

I think this is a healthy way for him to vent. As I said, friends come and go. His friend has gone, so he has come to other friends.

But yeah, we know nothing about the situation and can only offer obscure life advice.

and Chicken, I guess to sum it up: Everyone on earth is bisexual, they just have sex with who they want. Some want men, some want women. Your own gender is entirely irrelevant.

As a great man once said, that's just the fuckin' way she goes.

Also, I agree with what Blitz man is sayin', but I don't really see its relevance here. There's no more evidence to support the notion that she's bi than evidence that she's lesbian, so I wouldn't just assume she's bi because that's what you want to hear. She might just be into girls.

I've had this EXACT SITUATION happen to me. (does she have really big breasts too?!) =)

Same thing, I was great friends with this girl for a while, nothing more than that. Then after like 2 years i asked her if she wanted to change the relationship to something more. she agreed, and we were together for a very short while, and then she decided she just wanted to be friends again. We were friends for another 5 months ago, and then this time, she approaches me about wanting to be more serious again. A short while later we are just friends again.

(repeat this cycle like 2 more times) and now she finally realizes after all this time, she is a lesbian. We now alternate between 2 states: me texting her and her ignoring me, and her texting me while i ignore her..

My advice: forget about her and move on. if she basically ignored you, texting you only 2 times in a month, that tells me she either is really fucked up or she doesn't care about you. To site cliche there are so many other fish in the see, don't worry about that one that got away..

In the end though it's your decision of course, i'm just trying to save you some undue misery! GOOD LUCK! =)

Also, I just realized you called something I said ridiculous and then repeated it nearly word for word three sentences later. You seem to understand it just fine.

I simply should not have responded, this is clearly not the place nor the time.

Cpt.Terror, that situation is not uncommon at all when people are discovering their own sexuality. I doubt a person on the planet has ever just woken up one day and gone "Oh! I'm totally gay!".

It takes time and experimentation.

Blitz: i knew this girl at school that did an oral presentation about how she was asexual, that she was neither into boys or girls in a sexual way.. I SWEAR

)

Yeah, people describe themselves as that and there are indeed people who are not interested in sex with anyone. When I said it didn't exist in humans, I mean the literal biological attribute of a living organism reproducing without intercourse.

Some fish or shit do it I bet.

edit: she could also have said that to try to get laid

@Blitzkrieg: So I'm a man only because I was raised to believe it, and I could very well have been a woman all this time without knowing?

@Capt: Technically, it was only email - she stopped texting me (as in, SMS) a year or two ago "because it is too expensive". Although she did text me for xmas and that confused me even further. I didn't want her as a girlfriend, I just wanted to keep a good friend

And no, she's as flat as a surfboard.

@PB: I know. I will as soon as we meet. I feel I must ask her in person so she can't escape from confessing. At least I appreciate others' feedback.

"she's as flat as a surfboard."

Well in that case she MUST be lesbian.

We're doing science!1 =)

I like how this discussion is going.
As for the problem, well... I can't really help. Even Dimbark's had more experience than I have with women.

Good luck, though!

lol Jeff

DiscoStu: Yes. You could essentially have a woman's brain. I've met people exactly like this. If you did, you'd have figured it out by now though.

When you were a boy, you would'nt have looked at the women on the magazines the same lustful way as the other boys for example. You'd have wished you were the woman on the cover, or imagined yourself in their awesome clothes.

This is called gender identity.

Anatomically, obviously, you would still be a man. But everything that makes you who you are is in that little wad of flesh in your head, and if it thinks it's a woman, well...

"Also, I just realized you called something I said ridiculous and then repeated it nearly word for word three sentences later. You seem to understand it just fine."
How could I possibly understand it? It sounded like some ridicoulus semantics-based argument.

"and Chicken, I guess to sum it up: Everyone on earth is bisexual, they just have sex with who they want. Some want men, some want women. Your own gender is entirely irrelevant." Again with the semantics. So you're saying that everyone is bisexual because they could have sex with anyone, not because they do? Your sexual orientation is, naturally, decided by who you want to have sex with.

So your point is that sexuality is a social construct, I take it? (You really should have made more sense in your first post) It is not an entirely new point of view, but I do not agree, and there are tons of studies that indicate the genetical and biological aspects of sexuality. However, yes, the origins of sexuality is a videly debated area, stop presenting it like some big, unpleasant, secret. It's not.

Typical girl-behaviour if you ask me

I have to agree with Dr. Ant, there is probably something you've overlooked. Girls are masters of using subtle hints and then blame you for not getting what the hell they're on about. Speak you mind, woman!

Anyways.. Don't let it get to you, plenty of fish in the sea.

THIS IS WHAT I HEARD: Oss upon a time I had a friend. Duh.Not a girlfriend, uh uh uh uh, dgust a chick who happenid to be my friend. A good friend. A great friend. Duh.One day she decidid to not be my friend no more, 'n obehnite reducid our contack t' one or two emails ebehy few monds - allays pretendigg ebehydigg was normal. Afteh fruitless tryigg t' maitain de original status I gabe up 'n let it be the, uh, the way she wantid - I startid beigg a bad shitty friend 'n bare gabe heh any significant attenshun. Afteh a few years of dis, duuhhhh, heh last email (today) ends wid heh statigg she misses keepigg contack wid me.

Chicken: Never read any documented cases of gender confusion at birth? The parents raise a little boy as a little girl. They realize their mistake eventually, or the kid does when he reaches the age where it is explained that men and women have different genitalia. Do you know what happens when the mistake is realized? Much more often than not, the boy chooses to continue living as a girl, because that's who he(she) is.

That is gender identity.

And don't ask me to go round up documented examples for you, you can do it yourself if you're that interested.

"Your sexual orientation is, naturally, decided by who you want to have sex with." Exactly what I've been saying the whole time.

"So your point is that sexuality is a social construct, I take it?" Yes, that's exactly the point. See? You did understand. Forgive me for not being clearer, it was quite late and I had a few beers in me.

"Your sexual orientation is, naturally, decided by who you want to have sex with." followed by:
"there are tons of studies that indicate the genetical and biological aspects of sexuality" confused me a bit. Do you think it is determined by your preference, or at birth? Pick one.

I'll fully admit to enjoying debate. If you do not enjoy it, I'd be happy to stop.

@Dimbark: WTF?

@Blitzkrieg: I have a dick, I'm a guy. Nuff said. Although to be fair, if I could have a 30-day trial as a woman, that I could return if I don't like it, I'd totally try it

Guess this conversation won't make further progress.

" Never read any documented cases of gender confusion at birth? The parents raise a little boy as a little girl. They realize their mistake eventually, or the kid does when he reaches the age where it is explained that men and women have different genitalia. Do you know what happens when the mistake is realized? Much more often than not, the boy chooses to continue living as a girl, because that's who he(she) is.

That is gender identity."
I have in fact not seen any such cases. I'll be VERY suprised if you can find plenty documented evidence of boys being accidentaly raised as girls, since the sex of a child is not hard to determine, to put it mildly. A quick googling revealed one case, where a boy accidently lost his penis during a circumsition (ow). He was raised as a girl and was never told he had been a boy, he did not fit in, changed his sex back as soon as he could, got married and children but eventually killed himself. Source If you have any other cases that show the contrary, I'd love to see them.

However, yes, "gender confusion" is indeed a tricky "condition" (if I may call it that), and I agree that what forms our gender identity is still vert unknown to us, but I think that completely ruling out the genetical and biological aspects of the sex is, to be a frank, a little bit ridicolous.

"... confused me a bit. Do you think it is determined by your preference, or at birth? Pick one."
Both; I think it's decided by preference, but that the preference itself is decided, atleast in part, by biological and genetical factors.

"I'll fully admit to enjoying debate. If you do not enjoy it, I'd be happy to stop." Oh, but I always do

@Stu: I actually saw these thread first but didn't want to be the first poster since I am the anti-christ around here.

Just tell her how you feel...problem solved...

Communication is a two way street my friend....trust me, I know.

"since the sex of a child is not hard to determine, to put it mildly"

Actually, babies are not born with fully developed genitals.

Most baby boys are born with genitals so small (after all, a penis and a clitoris are essentially the same organ), and with their testicles retracted into their bodies (why your "balls drop" during puberty), that they are often confused with girls. This is not rare, and the mistake is often caught after the first month or so of being born.

It's much less common, however, for a girl to be confused with a boy, but here is one such case http://www.medindia.net/news/Gender-Confusion-78441-1.htm.

also, today I learned "gender dysphoria" is the medical name that his been given to a person who believes they are of the opposite gender. I'm not ruling out the genetic or biological aspects of this condition. It's established that this condition develops in the womb. However, this condition is unrelated to sexual preference. A man who thinks he's a woman could still be attracted to either gender.

I still am not convinced that you are born knowing who you want to have sex with, as babies are born without sex drives. These drives develop in the early teens, usually. It is around this time that a preference is developed, although it can be much later (early adulthood) before the preference is realized.

OF COURSE. Fact: I am the only natural woman on Earth with no boobs or vag, and a fully developed dick and balls. But I'm TOTALLY a woman.

@kdunivan: I know, but it hasn't worked so far. Gotta keep trying... :/

"OF COURSE. Fact: I am the only natural woman on Earth with no boobs or vag, and a fully developed dick and balls. But I'm TOTALLY a woman."

"Anatomically, obviously, you would still be a man. But everything that makes you who you are is in that little wad of flesh in your head"

clarity

Ain't I hot?

Tha hottest shit unda tha sun.

edit: also, you most certainly DO have boobs. just not very big ones.

(unless you're fat)

Let's stay on point here...(and not that point!)

It's hard to know what to tell you man because I don't know the girl. If you have already told her how you feel then it's just a matter of time before you will know you answer. And maybe you are right, maybe you just need to cool off for a minute. If she really really wants to keep that communication then she will find you.

1. NEVER let them see you sweat. Or in other words, don't let her see that
it bothers you. This works for lots of things actually.

2. Waiting a woman out can sometimes have positive effects. Along with
number one, this should bring her to you if she is serious.

3. Ultimately, there are other fish in the sea. Don't limit yourself to
one person.

Where is the love guru when you need him? Hunt? Can't you help this poor fellow in need with a few words of advice. I know your a player and at least have a little bit of knowledge to pass on.

Rule #1 has ALWAYS worked for me....it's like a pheromone or something.

Last time I tried to ask, she said I'm overreacting and exaggerating things, avoiding giving me an actual answer in the process. Hence I'm not too enthusiastic about doing it again.

Shit man, how hard it could be to figure out what to do with a friend that first actively ignores you, then says she misses you? What the fuck, I'm not even sure I still want her as a friend after this, it's tiresome.

Then rule #1 applies nicely, Don't sweat it!

Chicks are confusing anyways. Just stick to being you and the rest will sort itself out, you know? I have lost alot of old friends but it doesn't bother me because I guess we weren't really true friends anyways.

My dad told me once, "friends are only good for two things, wasting your time and wasting your money".

I don't know how true that actually is. I have thought about it alot over the years but if I actually put it into context it is scarily truthful.

Not to say that I don't have some "good" friends. For the most part though, everyone will disappoint you at some time in your life. Even your kids and your parents. It's a part of life that we have to reason with.

I wish you all the luck my friend, in whatever you do.

quote - And that's the way the cookie crumbles. - nah i've read that book it's not that good.

"friends are only good for two things, wasting your time and wasting your money"

Wow, that's deep. And deeply depressing.

Care if I cheer it up a bit? If you have fun with them, then you didn't waste your time. Time spent having fun is not time wasted!

I'm still trying to figure out what went wrong with Dimbark that makes him read everything like a retard in his mind.

Also money spent on a friend is not wasted - it is well spent! Ok, generally.

Really bad dates on the other hand, meh...

I wasn't trying to dampen anybody's mood or say that you shouldn't have friends. I was quoting a bit of life to try and get a reaction, possibly a laugh. I don't live by everything my father taught me or I would be a basket case like him.

You solve it they way you want dude....

I am out...