A lot of things have happened in a short timespan.
It's crazy how stressed your mind can end up at a certain age, or a certain point in time. Thoughts getting adopted, rejected. Even revealed after a wait worth several years, striking you greatly when it finally happens. I'm likely too emotional about this, as most people here must've gone through the same stage, except they had the will not to let themselves spill it all out as a big stinky piece of text. But I'm tired of holding it all inside until it starts to bring discomfort, and I do apologize for that.
It's weird when you're finally twenty, but aren't bringing anything useful. I'd think I'd be more than of age by now: able to be a productive member of the communities that I am in, pay my monetary debts that I owe to my parents, show that all the effort that went into developing and supporting me hasn't gone to waste. But even now, I'm still unable to do anything. Just sit and wait, and maybe try to influence the situation. Learn and work on personal things from time to time, when I have the energy. And, well, time to do it. I'm just a tiny little bug, crawling around, while the titans are moving mountains, and all I can do is watch.
I'm honestly unsure what to do with all this: with my current life state, all those thoughts that have surfaced, or come, or were ditched. No idea if I should keep doing whatever I've been doing so far, or finally give in to the dreams and wishes that I've had for so long. They seem ridiculous, and likely are never going to work out, but they also won't let me sleep at night.
Funny what a whiskey-filled brain can generate at 06:01 AM. Sorry for polluting the journal list. I'll try not to do that again. Just sharing thoughts.