Mutable Times

Posted 1 month ago2022-10-16 03:04:00 UTC
A lot of things have happened in a short timespan.

It's crazy how stressed your mind can end up at a certain age, or a certain point in time. Thoughts getting adopted, rejected. Even revealed after a wait worth several years, striking you greatly when it finally happens. I'm likely too emotional about this, as most people here must've gone through the same stage, except they had the will not to let themselves spill it all out as a big stinky piece of text. But I'm tired of holding it all inside until it starts to bring discomfort, and I do apologize for that.

It's weird when you're finally twenty, but aren't bringing anything useful. I'd think I'd be more than of age by now: able to be a productive member of the communities that I am in, pay my monetary debts that I owe to my parents, show that all the effort that went into developing and supporting me hasn't gone to waste. But even now, I'm still unable to do anything. Just sit and wait, and maybe try to influence the situation. Learn and work on personal things from time to time, when I have the energy. And, well, time to do it. I'm just a tiny little bug, crawling around, while the titans are moving mountains, and all I can do is watch.

I'm honestly unsure what to do with all this: with my current life state, all those thoughts that have surfaced, or come, or were ditched. No idea if I should keep doing whatever I've been doing so far, or finally give in to the dreams and wishes that I've had for so long. They seem ridiculous, and likely are never going to work out, but they also won't let me sleep at night.

Funny what a whiskey-filled brain can generate at 06:01 AM. Sorry for polluting the journal list. I'll try not to do that again. Just sharing thoughts.

4 Comments

Commented 1 month ago2022-10-16 10:26:54 UTC Comment #104846
I discussed stuff like this with a friend recently, slightly younger than me, and another friend a while ago, slightly older than me. I'm feeling the exact same, and I'm turning 21 in February. No job, no interesting projects to show to get one, feeling like every little fort I try building collapses like a house of cards. It really sometimes feels like we've invested in the wrong things early on.

Life is not a race though. It's more like a long, transcontinental trip. For the ones who have a car, it's easy! For you and me, well, all we can do is walk for now. It's hard. Lots of bugs, swamps, storms in the way and we barely have any place to hide. But eventually we'll make it.

I feel that, for every person who gets life sorted out in their early 20s, there's probably a few dozen others who are about as lost as you and me. So don't worry, hang in there. Eventually we'll get a piece of that cake too.

I wonder if some of the more experienced folks here will share some wisdom. Cuz' I know for a fact nobody has life figured out, it all boils down to essentially making the best out of your current life situation. Personally I just enjoy the smaller things to stop thinking about this source of dread that is my future.
Commented 1 month ago2022-10-16 15:43:24 UTC Comment #104848
Thanks. Guess I needed that.
Commented 1 month ago2022-10-20 10:31:50 UTC Comment #104862
Yes its normal to feel like that, when I was 21 I was like, i dont know what im doing but i want to do something but i dont know what it is

Honestly, around 25, that was the age when maturity really began (31 now), when I could fully admit: "the more you know, the less you know" and only once I grasped that, proper maturity could take hold
Commented 1 month ago2022-10-27 21:34:15 UTC Comment #104874
I'll remember that phrase, thanks

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