Just need to vent a bit.

Posted 8 months ago2023-09-08 07:45:48 UTC
CaptainQuirk26 CaptainQuirk26Lord Fruglmeister, El Dorito, etc.
There are quite a few people on this website who use these journals as a way of venting their problems, as well as getting some support from the community. I myself have done this on a small scale... Sorry for keeping this entry to that same convention.

I've been having full-blown existential crises on a weekly basis, sometimes more often. Usually, these happen around midnight (guess when I'm writing this), as for some reason it's when I'm desperately trying to sleep that I do the most thinking. This isn't always a bad thing. Many of my best ideas have come to me during the 2:00 AM caffeine overdose. But so have most of my mental health issues. I can't seem to figure out who I am, really. Over the years, I've built up a facade of sorts that has changed with the political climate, so as to shield myself as effectively as possible. This has been ongoing for so long that it's basically replaced my personality. I don't know who I am outside of my own self-deception, and that is terrifying. Furthermore, I identify as a furry, and I believe I am, but I seem to be more... hardcore (if that's the right word) about it than the rest of the fandom. I truly feel like I should not be what I am, even though there is no existing alternative. I actually care about the politics of the situation, as opposed to the rest of the fandom, which doesn't even seem to care that there is a group of literal domestic terrorists directly and personally opposing them. I mean, are they okay with continuing to be the bottom of the barrel? I soon came to realize that hate can never be dispelled, not completely. Only moved from target to target in the name of "progress." And not seeing this, we think it really is progress. I suppose it's better than letting it stagnate upon one target though. That's when it is allowed to grow.

I recently met a Therian (my brain always thinks theremin first, even though that is not the right word), and they helped put some of this into perspective for me, a little bit at least. I didn't have a very good understanding of what Therians were prior to that, and although the person I talked to seemed to be having a hard time explaining it, from what I can tell, I think I'm something of a mix. I hold some interests related to the furry fandom, and in other ways, I'm more like a Therian. Something of an undecied middle ground.

I'm used to being a shade of gray. I suppose I find some comfort in not being a perfect fit for a hole, because it at least means I'll be unique enough to stand out (I mean, I have a fox fursona who's not a femboy, and I'm still an interesting person!) But in being different in ways nobody talks about, I have no reference point. How am I supposed to know if I'm a one-in-a-million, or if I'm part of a silent majority, if it's silent? Nobody talks about this stuff, whether because there's some social stigma about it or if it's just boring to many people. I mean, I have many issues. I put some forward, and I keep others close to my chest. Like, for instance, how many of yall knew that I'm autistic? My deviancy isn't news to anyone, but my neurodivergency is. And when it's the high-functioning autism like I have, you can rarely ever tell. I never realized how common it really is until me and two friends were sitting in the same group in math class a year ago, and we realized that we all had it (someone overheard this, and it became the autism table. We leaned into it). Considering my neurodivergency, I have even less to compare myself too, because I can't even assume that basic human psychology always applies. Often it does, but sometimes it doesn't. I'm basically just floating in a void.

Sounds fun to think about constantly, huh? I'm probably not gonna get any more than about two or three hours of sleep tonight, because my alarm goes off at 6:30 and I'm still caffienated. Ugh.

10 Comments

Commented 8 months ago2023-09-08 10:49:31 UTC Comment #105541
Venting is perfectly fine. Otherwise the metaphorical pressure builds up until something breaks.

The late hours do tend to promote thinking. It's quiet and no one else around, so the mind gets to wander more freely. For a night owl like me, that's when I'm also the most awake and productive.

At the same time, those late hours also often coincide with sleep deprivation, especially for those of us who have to wake up early for school or work and such. That can greatly exacerbate symptoms of depression and other conditions, and negative emotions in general. Not saying you shouldn't be up late, but just that you should be aware how it affects mental health (and, speaking from experience, insomnia and depression can easily start a positive feedback loop that spirals to very bad places).
Commented 8 months ago2023-09-08 11:01:20 UTC Comment #105543
I didn't know about that last part. Looks like I have some research to do.
Commented 8 months ago2023-09-08 14:04:39 UTC Comment #105545
holy jesus, i really recommend chaging the coffe or energized drink to something more "rare" such as choco-milk, besides, i mean everyone's interesting in some way, and yeah almost any furr now is a gay-femboy-cute-furry lgbtq/him/them/they/fox/table. so yeah be special but not too special
Commented 8 months ago2023-09-08 14:41:58 UTC Comment #105546
I drink Dr. Pepper...
Commented 8 months ago2023-09-08 16:16:00 UTC Comment #105547
Furthermore, I identify as a furry, and I believe I am, but I seem to be more... hardcore (if that's the right word) about it than the rest of the fandom.
And that's okay. hugs
I actually care about the politics of the situation, as opposed to the rest of the fandom, which doesn't even seem to care that there is a group of literal domestic terrorists directly and personally opposing them.
If you mean the US, I dunno. I have a feeling many care, but simply aren't in enough power so there's fear involved. Globally? Well, in some places there just aren't issues like that.

In my country, furries are unheard of and I'm certain if there were to ever be a furry convention here, we'd see the same events that happened in Belgrade in 2001, when Serbia's first pride parade happened. You don't wanna know what happened.

I do confront people who say bullshit though. Sometimes I deem it too risky or simply not worth my time, but when I see a good opportunity to point out that someone's hatred/disliking/disrespect - of not just furries - is utterly irrational and senseless, I take it.
I'm used to being a shade of gray. I suppose I find some comfort in not being a perfect fit for a hole, because it at least means I'll be unique enough to stand out (I mean, I have a fox fursona who's not a femboy, and I'm still an interesting person!) But in being different in ways nobody talks about, I have no reference point. How am I supposed to know if I'm a one-in-a-million, or if I'm part of a silent majority, if it's silent?
I believe every individual is a unique permutation of all the possible features an individual may have, even if just slightly different.
That aside though, yeah. "Nobody's talking about it so nobody knows about it", I guess most people are just too busy to think about it.

My fox sona isn't a femboy either, BTW. I went from being a straight non-furry in 2017, to a bi questioning-furry in 2018, to a pan furry in 2021. Similarly my views on a lot of things (and of my own self) have shifted over the years. Positively, I may say. And they will keep doing that.
Considering my neurodivergency, I have even less to compare myself too, because I can't even assume that basic human psychology always applies. Often it does, but sometimes it doesn't. I'm basically just floating in a void.
Yeah but like, what's the purpose of this comparison? If anything, I'd just occasionally compare past selves and current self to analyse and potentially improve future self. I don't think you need to compare yourself to someone in order to define yourself, because ultimately, you are you.
so yeah be special but not too special
Nah, be as special as you are. No such thing as 'too special'. I know you meant something else, but just sayin'.
Commented 8 months ago2023-09-08 17:33:38 UTC Comment #105549
I was referring to the group that refers to themselves as "anti-furries" who have been known to do stuff like release chlorine gas upon conventions.
Commented 8 months ago2023-09-08 18:14:00 UTC Comment #105550
Be as special as you are and don't apologise for it. Thrilled to read how self-actualised Admer has become after struggling with a lot of this stuff in the past.
Be careful, be sensible, but don't apologise for being you.

All that being said, getting your sleep in order will really help your wellbeing. Physical and mental health is so dependant on sleep, and one of the best life resets you can do is just getting into a sleep routine. Cancel the caffeine after 2pm and try to do a bit of exercise every day so that you get restful sleep. Getting on top of that physical stuff really, really helps the mental side.
Commented 8 months ago2023-09-09 00:16:40 UTC Comment #105551
I was referring to the group that refers to themselves as "anti-furries" who have been known to do stuff like release chlorine gas upon conventions.
Oh yeah no, those folks, if it weren't for the law I'd be returning the favour.
Thrilled to read how self-actualised Admer has become after struggling with a lot of this stuff in the past.
2016 me vs. current me is definitely one hell of a character development arc, I'm glad you got to observe parts of it. Life really is a movie.
Commented 8 months ago2023-09-15 03:49:04 UTC Comment #105559
A lot of this hits close to home.
It's pretty cool how you can find the strength to talk about something so personal in a relatively public place
Commented 8 months ago2023-09-15 22:48:55 UTC Comment #105562
It's pretty cool how you can find the strength to talk about something so personal in a relatively public place
It's not that public if nobody knows who I am...

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