The best joke you know... Created 19 years ago2005-04-04 14:17:24 UTC by Daubster

I wanted to do this a long time ago, so here - I'm doin it.
Everyone tell the best joke you know. Heres mine:
***
Two blondes were driving along a road. Suddenly the engine started chuggin and stopped. So the blondes got out and started to look for the problem. In half an hour one blonde came up with an idea:
"I know, why the car stopped. We probbably got a flat tire!"
"Yea - I guess you're right... Soo how do we fix it?"
"Like this, stupid" - said one blonde and started blowing air with her mouth into the tire. The other one joined and they both started blowing... Then a police car noticed the blondes and stopped by. The cops looked at the car - then the blondes - then at the car again and one of them said:
"You dumb blondes! You'll never fix a tire like that!"
"And why not?"
"Look! The windows are open!"
***
Harharhar....

How do you know its midnight at Neverland Ranch?

The big hand touches the little hand.

Ha ha good ones!

Two elderly men were talking about Viagra. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for."It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if you took two."

Did you hear about the side-effects of the Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.

What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but doesn't really care where.

Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three I minute ride.

A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with the maid."

Whats similar between Michael Jackson and MCDonalds.

Nothing.

They both put 50 year old meat in 10 year old buns.

A blonde is playing in a boat in the middle of a parking lot. Another blonde drives up and shouts "Its blondes like you that make us look bad!"
The blonde in the boat yells "Oh yeah! Come say that to my face!" The blonde in the car says "I would but I cant swim!'

"Two guys walk into a bar, you would figure the second one would have ducked."

grins not heard that variation on the theme before. I like, slicker than "a man walks into a bar: ouch".

That sucks.

a dislexic man walks into a bra

How do you kill a one-armed blonde in a tree?

Wave at her.

How do you kill a blonde in a pool?

Put a scratch n' sniff at the bottom.

what do michael jackson and walmart have in common?

they both have little boys pants half off

and my favorite mj joke:

What does Michael Jackson like about twenty eight year olds?

Theres 20 of them!

I have only heard all those MJ jokes a bajillion times.

"What??!! Those purple elephants with yellow spots are NOT real??, Oh my god my whole world just fell apart."

Why is ovaltine called ovaltine if it comes in a square container?

"hahaha why go around the chair when you can go over it?"
slipBAM

Haha! Good ones.. I hav more blonde jokes

Why does a blonde start to walk in circles in her room, when she washes her hair? Because it says "Wash and go" on the shampoo bottle.

How can u tell a blonde has been having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her pencil.

OOoooo I love these threads, heres one:

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk.
He asks the bartender where's the bathroom at?

The bartender said, go down the hall and make a right.

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hear's this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out my balls."

With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you asshole!!

LMAO!!!

ok i got another.

How do u confuse a blonde?

Tell her to pee in the corner of a round room.

how does she confuse you?

she says that she did.

There is a four story building.
On the top floor is someone who like to carve wood out the window.
On the next floor is someone who likes to pee out the window.
On the next floor is someone who like to paint green things out the window.
On the first floor is someone who like to eat pickles out the window.

One unlucky day, they were all do their things out the window. But the carver dropped his knife, cut off the pee-er's wang, which got painted green by the painter, and fell into the pickle eaters jar who promptly picked it up and ate it.

a dislexic man walks into a bra

haha, and the irony is that you spelt "dyslexic" wrong.

best joke i've ever heard: habboi.

but seiously (this one's a bit dirty, so kiddies, look away. go plant a tree or something): one day, a man finds that his sex life with his wife has been going down, so he goes to see a sex therapist. the therapist asks them both to undress and stand in the room. he inspects them for about 2 hours, checking over heir bodies and occasionally asking them to lift an arm or something. after he's finished inspecting them, he says "i think i see the problem. on your way home purchase a pack of rind doughnuts and a bunch of grapes. roll the grapes into your wifes vagina from the other side of the room, then use your mouth to get them otu again. you should throw the ring doughnuts and try to loop them round your husbands erect penis, then bite it off." the couple do as the therapist instructed and have the best sex of their life.

the next day at wok, the man tells his friend about the sex therapist. a little skeptical, but also in need, his friend gets the therapists number. that night, him and his wife go to see the therapist. he puts them through the same procedure as the first couple, having them stand naked in the room and inspecing them. eventually, he looks up and says "i'm sorry, but i'm afriad there's nothing i can do to help."
"what!? but you managed to help my friend! why not us!?"
"ok, ok. i think this will work. on your way home tonight, buy a grapefruit and a packet of polo's..."

HOLY CR@P! Great one, ministeve!

i didnt look away :

Heh. Didn't make much sense, but hey, it was alright. Even though you misspelt "ring" :P.

VOX's was quite good.

what do you get when too many grapes drive at once?

traffic jam

ohhhhh ahoohahahahaha! now THATS funny

Heres one bout windows

One guy bought a futuristic car with WindowsXP installed as a operating system on the cars' main computer. So the guy starts cruisin' thru town and stops at a drive-in. Then he sees the most beautiful blonde-haired,big-tit,beautiful woman in a bikini, passing through the front of his car. The computer gives a message:
"If you want to save this wiew as your front-window background, press your accelerator!"

hahaha, Niccceee..
Have you guys heard about the 10 laws of computing?

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

Hehe, I like that one.

Hahaha! Great!
Heres another 1 bout cpus

How did the chess-playing computer beat Kasparov?
The computer made a check and got lagged.

Evil will always win because good is dumb

yipes these jokes are turning geeky

i got just one blonde joke: a blonde puts a dollar into a change machine. she picks up the change and does the same again. she keeps doing that for a while when a man walks up to her and asks: why are you doing this? she replies: "I KEEP WINNING!"
and.... although not jokes, but still funny. here's my favorite 20 oxymorons (www.dictionary.com definition of oxymorons: A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined, as in a deafening silence and a mournful optimist.)
20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Same Difference
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head Butt
8. Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works

• hope you found this funny

Nice... Heres another 1 bout cpus

Abort, Retry, Ignore, Delete. The life of a unlucky woman, who ended it with suicide...

I love the last one!

heres some good ones...

I ONCE KNEW A BLONDE that was so stupid that:

*She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"

• She put lipstick on her forehead beacause she wanted to make up her mind.

• She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

• She sent me a fax with stamp on it.

• She tried to drown a fish.

• She thought a quarterback was a refund.

• She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

• She tripped over a cordless phone.

• She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

• She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

• She studied for a blood test.

• She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

• When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur aroundthe home, she moved.

• When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" She turned around and went home.

10. Pretty Ugly

That's not an oxymoron, that's just a use of a different meaning of the word "pretty" (fairly). Might be connected, though, since "fair" is sometimes used to mean "pretty" (attractive).

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Great blonde jokes, j3r3my!!

Ergh, blonde jokes are so lame. They've been done about two million times.

Occasionally one comes across a really funny one.

How do you get four Essex girls (notoriously Easy) on a chair?
Turn it upside-down.

I knew this one, but I change the Essex girls part to the name of someone in my class...

lmao she studied for a blood test...

Ok, heres how you pray for your Windows:

Dear Microsoft in the hard drive,
May there be Windows,
May the updates sent from you to us reach every computer.
May your defragment happen.
Like in C hard, the same in D hard.
Give our everyday mail to us today
and forgive us for our cracked OS versions,
like we forgive our internet bills.
Don't send us the repair guy
and protect us from the virus.
Because our windows, DOS ant NT belong to the.
ENTER.
(sry for some wrong words, cuz I pray bad in english...)

<@buo> A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender asks him "What's wrong?" Byte says "Parity error." Bartender nods and says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."

Even better than the 'missing electron' one.

Love teh blonde jokes...but where are the 'Your momma's so fat..." jokes?

or the "your family is so poor" jokes

like

Your family is so poor that i saw your mom kicking a trash can down the street and so i asked what she was doing and she said "we're moving"

Lol, I forgot about those

Your mommas so fat she jumped up and got stuck...

I have to laugh everytime i hear that.

Your momma's so fat that every time she farts, she causes an earthquake.

Your mom is so fat that she actaully has to wear the car

your momma's so fat that she has her own zip code
your momma's so fat that she actually sits around the house

here is a joke for you.....

how many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2 but i don't know how they got in there..

!!!!!(screw)!!!!

i heard that from my math teacher......lol