Jokes. Created 20 years ago2004-08-13 08:41:31 UTC by BrattyLord

I was talking about the "food" spam.

@BL: The real real one is: 'Spiced Pork and Meat'. It is meat in cubic cans that has been promoted very strong. It was annoying to see it everywhere, so as internet advertisment, so it was likened and now everyone associates SPAM with nerving senseless emails or messages on the internet.

There is a four story building. On the top floor lives a guy who likes to carve things out the window. Below him is a guy who likes to pee out the window. Below him is a guy who likes to paint things green out the window, and below him is a guy who likes to eat pickles out the window.

One day they are all out doing their thing out the window at once. The carver droppes his knife, cuts off the urinating guys wang, it falls down and get's painted green by the painter, and the it falls in the jar od pickles the pickle-eater is eating. "Man, that one was in there a long time!" the pickle-eater said as he ate the, um, organ.

Dear sir, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the sketch you have just broadcast about people falling out of high buildings. I myself have worked all my life in such a building, and have never once...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!

Dear sir, I wish to complain about the song you have just broadcast about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes. Many of my best friends are lumberjacks, and only a few of them are transvestites. Yours sincerely, Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs)

VOX, thats gross.

How mant Irish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

5, 1 to hold the bulb and 4 to drink till the room spins.

Heheh, nice

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe, and another to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools..

No.2:

: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a

timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following
agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party
of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry
way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by
the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal
transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at
his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said
direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to
maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb),
notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties.
The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural
failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the
aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this
agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer)
throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner
consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party
of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his
heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the
objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress
and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bag of sh*t?

A: The bag.

Another one:

One day, a man walked into an antique store in New York. He saw a golden rat and wanted it. The shop owner said that it was cursed, and he'll get rid of it for free. So the man got it and walked out of the store. A few seconds later, he saw a rat following him. He kept walking. Then he saw several rats following him. He ran. A minute later he looked behind himself again and all of the city's rats were following him. He ran to the docks and jumped into the water. All the rats followed him into the water and drowned, but the man swam back to the pier and climbed back up. An hour later, the man came back to the store and said "Do you have any golden lawyers?"

What is similar about Michael Jackson and McDonalds?

A: They both pack meat into 4 year old buns

What is the smartest thing to come out of Seventh-Monkey's mouth?

A: Einstein's dick

hehe....

Just to offend some certain people cough*Anthony*cough.... this is the biggest joke in the universe.

Lol niceone

Wrong.

This is.

PS: Warning - IE user cull approaching. We know who you are.

Heh, true.....

Delete your post until Anthony reads it though Seventh! I wanna hear his reaction

That was me. DARNIT all that typing and its not under my name!

this one may not be that funny,

whats the difference between a drunken hillbilly and a drunken canadian?
the beer.

here's another one:

two guys where on a rare treasure hunt in and underground tomb, they soon came to the place where the treasure supposedly is, the one guy checks the walls why the other guy checks the floor, the guy checking the floor sees the floor open up and peers inside, he says to the other guy (the other guy is facing the wall) HOLY SHIT!!, HOLY SHIT!! LOOK!! HOLY SHIT!! SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!! the guy facing the walls says "Shut up you idiot." the guy goes on again SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!!, so the guy facing the wall goes to the guy with his head in the floor, he peers down, and he finds a golden piece of holy shit.

actually i think that joke is kinda stupid.

1. A monk, a doctor, and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"

2.What's the difference between a rap artist and a rape artist?

A: The "e"

3. How many retards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None. They're too stupid.

haha.

1. A guy walks into a pet store, and asks the clerk "I want a dog for my son." the store clerk says "Sorry, we dont do trade ins for humans."

2. How many stupid people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two. One to screw it in, fall and kill himself, and the other to grab his wallet and run off.

3. How many stupid people does it take to move a couch?
two, one to lift the couch, and the other to sit on it while it is getting moved.

How many stupid people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two. One to screw it in, fall and kill himself, and the other to grab his wallet and run off.

i meant to fall off the ladder, kill himself.

How many dumbasses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.

One to screw it in.

Another to watch.

And a third one to say "I thought there was only supposed to be two dumbasses!"

Stupid is to brain-dead as gay is to Micheal Jackson.

An american, an englishman, an Australian and an Afghan are all in a light plane together, flying over the Himalayas.

They eventually reach a large mountain, and there is too much weight aboard the plane to fly high enough to get over the mountain. The pilot says 'We are carrying too much weight, one of you's will have to jump off!' So the american guy says, "I'm doing this for my country." He then jumps out of the plane, and falls to his death.

They make it over the mountain, just to find a larger mountain on the other side, and once again there is too much weight aboard the plane to fly high enough to get over the mountain. The once again pilot says, 'We are still carrying too much weight, one of you's will have to jump off!' So the englishman says, "I'm doing this for my country." He then jumps out of the plane, and falls to his death.

Once again, they make it over the mountain, and once again there is another mountain on the other side, larger than all the rest. Once again there was too much weight aboard the plane to fly high enough to get over the mountain. Once again pilot says, 'We are still carrying too much weight, one of you's will have to jump off!' So the Australian says, "I'm doing this for my country." He then grabs the Afghan and throws him out, making him fall to his death.

More likely, the american gets all crazy cause there's an afghan there and breaks his legs.

What do a dog and a shortsighted gynaecologist have in common?
.
.
.
A wet nose.

how many dislexics does it screw to take in a lightbulb?

I saw this on a shirt once:

(don't know how to spell it, just say it how it looks)

"I used to be skitsafrentic, but now we're not."

there are three kinds of people, those that can count, and those that can't.

Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when they come across a fence where a goat has his head stuck.
Saddam looks at Osama, Osama looks at Saddam and Osama smiles, drops his pants, and starts goin to town with this goat, just tearin' his ass up. After Osama is done, he says, "Alright, Saddam, your turn."

And Saddam drops his draws, grabs his ankles, and sticks his head in the fence.

do you get it?

5 presidents are on a plane

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.

The President''s Puzzle

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Blonde Valedictorian

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''
Her mother replied, ''Of couse it is, dear.''

The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!''

The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ''I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."

FLOATER! this is a family site!

heres a very stupid, but long joke:

A man is sitting in the waiting room at the hospital.  His wife had been in labor for hours already.  He sat, waiting, his nerves tingling.  Will it be a boy?  A girl?
The docter comes in and looks at the man, without any expression on his face.  He looks at the man and says, "I've got good news, and bad news.  The good news is, the baby is born, its healthy, and your wife is fine.  Its a boy by the way.  The bad news is that your baby was born with no arms, legs, or torso, its just a head."
 The man was shocked by this, and didn't know what to think.  He didn't know how he was going to get on with this horrible thing that has happend to his baby.  In the end, he ends up accepting the fact that his boy was just a head, so he trys to get along with him.  He raises him, takes him to baseball games, helps the head go on his first day to school, helps him with his homework, and basically accepts his son.
 One day, the Child turned 21, and so his father decided it was time to take his son to get his first beer.  He drives his son to a bar, takes him to the counter, and sets him down.  By that time everyone in the bar is staring at this head that this guy just plopped down on the counter.  The wisper to each other and such like that.  The bartender went over and said "Wat'll it be?", and the father ordered his son a beer.
The father picked up his son, and dipped him into the beer, so he just sipped the foam, and immediatly POOF! a torso appeared out of nowhere!!!  The father was so happy at this, so he urged his son to take another drink.  the other people in the bar stared at this thing that had just happened, wide eyed!
 The boy leaned forward with his new torso, dipping his wouth into the beer, and immediatly, two arms pop out of nowhere!!!  His father is so happy for his son, and is crying, the other men in the bar clap loudly, applauding the miracle that happened before their eyes!
 The boy took his new arms, grasped the mug with both hands, and lifted it up to take another drink.  Immediatly, POOF!, two legs popped out of nowhere!!!  By this time the Father was crying aloud, everyone was danceing, having a party, and having a great time.  The boy could now walk.  They chanted songs, singing and dancing around the bar, the father weeping with joy, the son walked out into the middle of the street got hit by a car, dead on the spot.  SMASH!

everyone was silent.

the bartender was humming a merry tune, picking his nails with a toothpick.

the father cryed with sadness.  everyone else in the bar was dead silent, ecept the bartender, who went about his work.  The bartender went up to the man, and asked him "SO do you want another one, or are you just going to sit there".
 The father looked up at him and said
   "HOw can you be so cold hearted!"
   The bartender replied
   "He should have quite when he was a-head."

my first sentence was directed at your osama sadam joke, since that one joke took me so long to read. the rest are funny.

once again I made a mistake. I'm going to bed after this, I must be really tired. I meant to say in my last post

"My first sentence was directed at your Osama/Sadam joke. It took me so long to reply because It took me so long to write that really long joke I just posted."

Excuse me now.

Bush's Tragedy

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

How are a blonde's legs like a convenience store?
They're always open.

Relieving Stress in Class

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

whos jokes where they?

What do blondes and shrimps have in common?
Their heads are full of shit, but the pink bits are nice.

Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

I did that once .

One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they saw a woman bathing naked. All of a sudden one of the boys took off running. The other boy took off after his friend. After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.
"Well," the boy said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Out of a catalog.

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they always had an embarrassing and lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way hame from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home.

He went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans and all the way home he farted.

By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "Rriiipppp!" It sounded like a diesel engine and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for almost ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.

After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Floater if your gettin those off a website, just link it ffs!

I'm not going to read all those.

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

How do you get two whales in a mini?
Over the Severn Bridge! (Only Brits will get it)

If you still don't get it, and are British, try spelling two as to.

lol, although I have to say, we've never been over that bridge, its always just been there in view. Don't you have to pay a rip-off tol just to cross it?

wooo go brits!!!

A bum is sitting in on the streets, looking really pissed.
A priest comes across and sees the man.
'Why are you so unhappy? You must see the positive things in your life, god loves us all.'
The bum looks up and says: 'Hey man, the only positive thing in my life was the HIV test, and now f**k off!'

Ye know how you tell a boy chromazone from a girl chromazone?

You look in their Jeans!

Vassy: hehe.