Journal #8713

Posted 3 years ago2016-06-21 03:51:54 UTC
Tetsu0 Tetsu0Original Cowboy
To my friends and acquaintances; the good people of TWHL.
Life is certainly strange... A fact I have been constantly reminded of over the course of these last few weeks.
I have been going through a rather drastic series of changes in my life recently, and it hasn't given me much time to create the worlds that I once used to love creating.
The simple truth that I have been realizing is that I no longer feel any desire to map. It was something I did to distract myself. Something I did in my moments of weakness to build myself up and give me confidence in something because I thought i was halfway decent at it.
I would get absorbed and consumed but my motivation always faded and it all eventually became tedious work towards an end result that never seemed worth it once I invested so much time into it.

Truth is i don't like mapping anymore. It seems.... Like a nostalgic idea now. Something I used to love doing and have such a fond memory hammering away at these crazy ideas... And the worst part about nostalgia is that it's never the same once you try to go back in time. You get the taste but it's never as sweet as you know it once was.

My life and hobbies surrounding it have turned away from gaming as a whole. I no longer strive to make it in the gaming industry or develop a one hit wonder mobile game or a gripping multiplayer game that's refreshing and new...

I've undergone a transformation this year. Broken out of my chrysalis if you will... Really matured into who I should have been about 5 years ago.

Which brings me to my point... I'm sure some of you have noticed my absence. My apologies for going MIA when I started an ambitious project. I wanted a taste of glory and success that Urby had with TWHL Tower (cheers btw, epic work)
But I myself didn't want to put in the work; and I still don't. I'm forfeiting ownership of the mod and I'm removing my name from it.
So sorry for that. I shouldn't have committed to that project but i was in denial about a lot of things in my life.. It was a poor distraction for some things that desperately needed my attention.
Such as my health and well being as well as the health and well being of those around me.

So this is my note to all you regulars.. I'll skulk the forums and drop by from time to time because really... Nobody ever truly says goodbye to this website... There's the occasional question that I'll immediately know the answer to... There's the journal post I'll drop a comment into.. But maps or mods... Don't count on it..

This isnt a goodbye; more like a "see you around".
Thanks for listening, thanks for being such a large part of my life.
-Brett (Tetsu0)


Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 04:42:40 UTC Comment #49698
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 05:23:33 UTC Comment #49694
I... uh...

I haven't mapped in forever but I still come around. I don't know how or why. But I still do.
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 06:38:25 UTC Comment #49699
One does not simply stop mapping
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 06:49:39 UTC Comment #49688
I'm so sorry to hear that, but at the same time I'm happy you've had this revelation.

For me personally, I love telling stories and mapping kind of slips into that quite neatly. I've always been a gamer and doubt I'll ever stop, but who knows what the future holds.

Either way, I wish you all the best with everything you pursue in future, and hope to still see you around from time to time.

Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 08:44:54 UTC Comment #49693
The best with your future and hope to see you sometimes around.

As for TWHL World, do we consider the project dead or someone has the ownership ?
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 09:19:21 UTC Comment #49691
I think many of us can agree that you don't have to make maps to post here :P

Do what you enjoy. Sometimes what you enjoy changes. Don't look back!
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 09:22:51 UTC Comment #49689
I'll likely recycle my TWHL-WORLD assets. (A lot of them were recycled anyway)
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 10:50:29 UTC Comment #49703
So TWHL World is dead? ;(
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 12:32:54 UTC Comment #49700
To be honest, believe it or not, it's sort of the same for me - I've lost interest in R/C flying as well as those scale kits... I mean, I have them, I have the interest for a burst of 5 minutes and then after that I'm like fuck this, I don't just feel it... I've got 4 ARF kits to assemble and 7 scale kits, but something just feels off about starting it now.. I've been absorbed into modding IL-2 1946 now instead and spending time driving around and playing the guitar, but I think my point is, things change and I guess it was only about a matter of time before it happened. I mean I too was once OBSESSED with mapping, but those days are long gone. Long gone. I look back at some of the work I did when I was in the 8th Grade/standard (5-6 years ago) and I'm honestly impressed and amazed at some of the functions and all those programmings I had done on maps, be it R/C aircrafts flying around, jukeboxes, animated VTF and TV's, interactive hidden doors, keypads, and all that jazz. Whenever I try to open old maps and understand what I did, I'm just left going:
'What the fuck and how did I do that..?'
But I digress. Back to you, good to see you that you're at least hanging around and such. There's going to be a time where everyone will post something like this on every one of their most active forums, but hey, it happens, people change, etc, and most of all, it's life. ^^
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 17:53:41 UTC Comment #49704
Wait what? I didn't understand it perfectly i think but, something is over right? PLS NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 20:17:45 UTC Comment #49696
i get the impression that your life has 'improved', so to speak, so that you no longer need to get mapping to feel better about yourself. Just a guessing that you have found something that you're good at and maybe useful at large or something. That's great!

I get the impression that not just you, but maybe rimrook and loads of other people at some point have gone thru this as well, which might be why almost nobody makes new maps except kids like dimbark or someone. I don't actually see this as that bad, because if your life got improved to be able to do something well and useful irl then that's probably really good for you. However I suggest to everyone to still keep their old maps and stuff because occasionally you might still have some collab or something like twhl tower and it's always fun times to still be able to contribute. All good.
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 20:43:57 UTC Comment #49697
Yeah, I've thrown in the towel when it comes to mapping, too. Moving on to greener pastures, I suppose.

The reason I don't map anymore is just because Source is so damn old nowadays, and the community around mapping for Half-Life specifically has been way past its prime. But also I, too, have generally lost my interest in it. Maybe I'll return to it someday, but as of now there are many more things to be doing in life.
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 22:53:38 UTC Comment #49695
I have realised that, right now:
  • I am well acquainted with the engine and how to use it,
  • I know enough about Architecture to know I know how to make it look natural, yet
  • I have few ideas and even less time.
Such are the perils of being a grown up, I guess.
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-21 23:56:01 UTC Comment #49701
I wish you luck and happiness with your life and what you'll be doing! However, I think you're wrong being so categorical and certain about your past and present life. You speak as if you're a new person more lucid than what you used to be before. I think that often, one's tempted to feel this way, to feel like they completely changed and can now explain the behaviour and everything about what they used to be. I believe it's a temptation to think so which leads to a wrong and subjective vision of you and your life. The idea you have of yourself, your past and future life now is affected by your current feelings, the way your want to see things and your past and present life. With time and thoughts your vision of all these things will probably change a lot.
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-22 03:41:13 UTC Comment #49686
Well said man. Good luck with your business that needs attention.
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-22 16:14:35 UTC Comment #49687
I tried to capture the innocence of mapping a lot and ultimately I lost the joy of it too.

Good things go well for you.
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-22 19:23:56 UTC Comment #49692
Well, you DID write a book about the Source SDK so I'd say you've left your mark on this domain. Hobbies change in life, but sometimes we revisit them.

I hope your personal improvement goes well and bring a positive change to yourself, this world and the TWHL community.

We all come back from time to time. TWHL is still my number one tab, even though I don't get a lot of information from here, but it's the online social aspects of keeping an eye on the regulars.

Commented 3 years ago2016-06-23 08:39:39 UTC Comment #49685
Understandable. I feel like I should have walked away from mapping after a few years of Source. It was a chore, I never got anywhere, and I'm not sure I really enjoyed it in hindsight. I feel like I'm re-evaluating what I want to do with mapping these days.

Good luck with whatever you're up to now, but I'm glad you'll still pop in from time to time!
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-23 11:15:06 UTC Comment #49690
@Urby: I always loved telling stories too. But the stories I wanted to tell didn't always fit inside the engine limits.. A lesson i never learned.

@Shepard & KB90: TWHL World isn't dead unless you want it to die. I still have the Google Docs folder open to all who want in. I believe has shown interest in revitalizing the project.

@Ghost: yeah dude you totally get it. I've been diving back into my music too. I forgot how incredibly therapeutic it was. Losing interest in hobbies is part of life and a sign of growth it seems.

@kamyon95: no projects are dead unless there is no interest in them. I'm just not participating in anymore projects because I'm sick of making commitments that i don't follow through on. It drives me crazy.

@PB: I have a bad habit of not being able to let go of the past - I'm really trying to work on that. I have many regrets in life but if you don't have regrets, it means you never made any really tough decisions or sacrifices. You can't always make the right choice and not everything in this world is sunshine and rainbows. Regrets exist. Things and people will hurt you. Accept it and move forward. That's my new way of life.

@2muchVGs: I'm not deleting anything. Don't you worry.

@Stu: few ideas and even less time. Bingo.

@Loulimi: I had to read that one a few times lol. All people are different and i can guarantee that you and I are quite different. I'm an engineer with OCD. I compartmentalize. It's who I am. I look back at my life and I certainly see stages of growth and transitions between them. I'm in another transition right now.

@Striker: Yeah I'm pretty fucking proud of that book. TWHL is def my number 1 tab still to this day.. I just don't click it as much.

@Strider: Yep you also get it haha. Appreciate the kind wishes.

@All. Thanks for your support and your well wishes. It means the world.
Commented 3 years ago2016-06-23 13:59:01 UTC Comment #49702
Lol I spent a lot of time writing my comment and rewriting it to try to make it somehow understandable, looks like there was still room for improvement! :P
Of course I don't know you and we are different, this is somewhat I wanted to say but I either removed it when rewriting my comment or simply took it as something implied.

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