Jokes! Created 16 years ago2007-05-24 12:12:06 UTC by Alabastor_Twob

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off ? go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor.
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What have Michael Jackson and shopping bags got in common?
Thyey're both white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small children.

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Shopping bags aren't always white.

neither is michael jackson

But they both are made of plastic.

They don't mention the white part in the original joke...

What's worse than 100 dead babies in a trash can?

1 dead baby in 100 trash cans.

Win.

LAEM.

Why are pirates pirates? Because they ARRRR.

KTHXBAI.

whats a pirates favourite element? ARRRGON.

or ARRRSENIC

You might be a redneck if your wife asks you to move the transmission so she can take a shower.

How much do you charge a pirate for earrings?

A BUCCANEER!

ARRR.

a man with three girlfriends couldnt decide which one to marry, so he gave each one $5000 to see what they would do with it.

the first one had a complete makeover, bought a new wardrode of clothes, and jewellery. she said "i bought these so i can look more beautiful for you, because i love you so much"

the second one bought the man a new stereo, widescreen television and golf clubs. she said "i wanted to give you these because i love you so much and want you to be happy"

the third one invested the money, and doubled it. she said to the man, "i wanted to get some money for our future because i love you so much"

the man thought long and hard about the actions of the women, then decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

What a legend.

What's a pirate's favourite cheese?

ChedARRRRR!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were also a cop!"

lol kasperg

A 75 year old man is sitting in his dining room listening to the news on the radio while his wife is out in city shopping. Then the traffic report comes in and the reporter reads out an urgent message.

"Anyone travelling on the M5 this morning please be aware that there is a car travelling the wrong way into oncoming traffic!"

Knowing that his wife has to use the M5 to get home, the guy is immeadiatly on the phone trying to call her mobile. To the mans relief she answers.

"Honey!" he cries "Be careful on the way back! Theres a car going the wrong way on the motorway."

"It's not just one!" she cries back "There's fucking hundreds of them!"

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.

these dead baby jokes are NOT funny. they are sadistic. lawyer jokes are better.

how many laywers does it take to paint a wall?
depends on how hard you throw them

LMAO

Sick jokes huh?

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Q: How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave, when set to cook on full power?

A: I don't know, I was too busy masturbating to notice.

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:/

What happens when two pirates have sex?

An AARRRRgasm.

This thread is now all about pirates KTHNXBAI.

This thread is now all about pirates KTHNXBAI

"That is uhhhh...negative. over."

NO, PIRATES WIN YOU

Avast! Peanuts!

In communist Russia there are no pirates.

Whats funnier than ten babies nailed to one tree?

One baby nailed to ten trees.

Q. Whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm.

A. Being Raped.

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Q. What do you get if you put a baby in a cement mixer

A. An Erection.

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Q. What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap.

A. Raises both thumbs to point at face

Trooper dx3117 told me to put this on-
What's a pirates favourite crime?
AAAARRRRson.
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And another one, which isn't from trooperdx3117,

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Fuckin lol'd

One day, heaven was getting pretty crowded, so Saint Peter decided to only let people in if they'd had a bad day when they died.
There were three men in the que in front of him. So he said to the first man, ''did you have a bad day today?''
The man said ''Oh hell yeah! I was in my apartment so I decided to go out on to the balcony for some air. I tripped as I was going out, and fell over the railing. Luckily I managed to grab the balcony below me. Suddenly a man came out, and in an unexplainable rage began to kick my fingers. I fell down, but the sea was below me, because I live in a seaside apartment. I landed in the water, safe, but the crazed man above threw a fridge on top of me!''
Saint Peter said,''It sounds like you had a bad day, so I'll let you in.'' He said to the second man, ''did you have a bad day today?''
The second man said ''I came home today, and saw my wife naked on the bed, and there were sheets all over the floor. I immediately suspected something, so I searched the apartment for whichever man was in here with her. It wasn't long before I found thebastard hanging from the balcony railing. I kicked his fingers, but when he fell off, he landed safely in the sea below, so I picked up the fridge and threw it down on him. Too late I realised that the power cable was wrapped around my leg, so the fridge pulled me over the edge into the water below, where I drowned.''
Saint Peter said ''That sounded like a terrible experience, so I'll let you in. He said to the third man, ''did you have a bad day today?''.
The man said ''Are you joking? There I was, sitting naked in a fridge.....''

So a pirate walks into a bar witha steering wheel down his pants, sits down and orders a drink. As the bar-tender is taking his drink order, he notices the steering wheel in the pirates pants. He asks "Umm, sir, Did you know you have a steering wheel down your pants?" and the Pirate responds "YARRR and its driving me nuts!"

How do you fit 10 babies into a 10-liter bowl?
With a blender.

How do you get them out?

Tostitos!

A woman who had just died was in line to go into heaven. From further up the line, she heard screams of pain.

"What was that?" she asked one of the angels.

"Oh don't worry, they're just drilling the holes so they can put the wings in."

The woman, who paled slightly, heard some more screams. Again, she asks the angel.

"Oh don't worry, they're just drilling the holes so they can put a halo on her head."

to which she replied "What!? I don't want to have holes drilled in me if i have to go to heaven. I think i'd rather go to hell!"

The angel look horrified "But you'll be raped, tortured and sodomized!!!"

She paused for a moment, and then replies "Well at least i've already got holes for that!"