Journals

First off, I'd like to say that this is my first journal that I am posting to both TWHL and SoFurry. I'd also like to add the disclaimer that I am not encouraging anybody reading this on TWHL to seek out the SoFurry platform, as that would violate the site's rules. In fact, I'm going to say that if you're not there already, you're not the kind of person who should go there. Anyway, onto the journal.
So I recently started drinking coffee, which is of course much higher caffeine than my previous go-to, Dr. Pepper. Well, last night I drank two coffees and failed to fall asleep at all. It's now five in the afternoon and I'm still not "tired." Which means I see a high likelihood of this becoming a recurring problem...
Why do I keep doing this shit to myself? I'm easily the most self-destructive person I know. I'm going to end up working myself to death, or lazing myself into morbid obesity. I can't find a middle ground in anything. I like to say that I don't think in black and white, but I can't seem to find the gray...

There are quite a few people on this website who use these journals as a way of venting their problems, as well as getting some support from the community. I myself have done this on a small scale... Sorry for keeping this entry to that same convention.

I've been having full-blown existential crises on a weekly basis, sometimes more often. Usually, these happen around midnight (guess when I'm writing this), as for some reason it's when I'm desperately trying to sleep that I do the most thinking. This isn't always a bad thing. Many of my best ideas have come to me during the 2:00 AM caffeine overdose. But so have most of my mental health issues. I can't seem to figure out who I am, really. Over the years, I've built up a facade of sorts that has changed with the political climate, so as to shield myself as effectively as possible. This has been ongoing for so long that it's basically replaced my personality. I don't know who I am outside of my own self-deception, and that is terrifying. Furthermore, I identify as a furry, and I believe I am, but I seem to be more... hardcore (if that's the right word) about it than the rest of the fandom. I truly feel like I should not be what I am, even though there is no existing alternative. I actually care about the politics of the situation, as opposed to the rest of the fandom, which doesn't even seem to care that there is a group of literal domestic terrorists directly and personally opposing them. I mean, are they okay with continuing to be the bottom of the barrel? I soon came to realize that hate can never be dispelled, not completely. Only moved from target to target in the name of "progress." And not seeing this, we think it really is progress. I suppose it's better than letting it stagnate upon one target though. That's when it is allowed to grow.

I recently met a Therian (my brain always thinks theremin first, even though that is not the right word), and they helped put some of this into perspective for me, a little bit at least. I didn't have a very good understanding of what Therians were prior to that, and although the person I talked to seemed to be having a hard time explaining it, from what I can tell, I think I'm something of a mix. I hold some interests related to the furry fandom, and in other ways, I'm more like a Therian. Something of an undecied middle ground.

I'm used to being a shade of gray. I suppose I find some comfort in not being a perfect fit for a hole, because it at least means I'll be unique enough to stand out (I mean, I have a fox fursona who's not a femboy, and I'm still an interesting person!) But in being different in ways nobody talks about, I have no reference point. How am I supposed to know if I'm a one-in-a-million, or if I'm part of a silent majority, if it's silent? Nobody talks about this stuff, whether because there's some social stigma about it or if it's just boring to many people. I mean, I have many issues. I put some forward, and I keep others close to my chest. Like, for instance, how many of yall knew that I'm autistic? My deviancy isn't news to anyone, but my neurodivergency is. And when it's the high-functioning autism like I have, you can rarely ever tell. I never realized how common it really is until me and two friends were sitting in the same group in math class a year ago, and we realized that we all had it (someone overheard this, and it became the autism table. We leaned into it). Considering my neurodivergency, I have even less to compare myself too, because I can't even assume that basic human psychology always applies. Often it does, but sometimes it doesn't. I'm basically just floating in a void.

Sounds fun to think about constantly, huh? I'm probably not gonna get any more than about two or three hours of sleep tonight, because my alarm goes off at 6:30 and I'm still caffienated. Ugh.

So I was scrolling Scratch (please don't ask why I do this, I'm pretty sure it's self-esteem related) and I came across a project on Explore called "The Mast." Turns out it's a full-3D first-person game with a fantastic story and great gameplay. Its art style is consistent throughout, and the graphics were frankly unreal for something rendered in Scratch. The experience I had while playing this game was only surpassed by the experience when I teleported to Xen in Black Mesa. Yeah. It almost rivals Black Mesa Xen in terms of how it made me feel. The areas in the game were somehow beautifully detailed and charmingly minimalistic at the same time, and it really just took my breath away. But most of all, it was a calming experience. Unlike Quake and other games I've been playing recently (so, basically just Quake), it felt like a break itself, instead of something to take a break from. I would highly recommend this game to literally any member of the human race, it's that good. You can play it here.

First off, sorry for the journal spamming. The last two journals on this site (three, counting this one) have all been by me. Sorry.
Okay, so I am a bisexual man, and I have a crush on this guy (we'll call him Clyde here). He's hot, he's funny, he's nice, I'm pretty sure he's gay, he has everything going for him. He and I are friends of course, and I think he knows I like him, but I just don't know where to go with this. At this point in writing this, I am starting to cry and I don't know why. What do I do? I don't want to be single anymore but I don't know how to ask him out and despite my extrovert tendencies I'm super nervous around him and I just... Help. Please.

In my last journal, I mentioned that I had played Quake for the first time. Well, I now have a registered copy (still using the same source port though), and I was going to record some gameplay for my youtube channel. So I set up some software for recording, got everything arranged just right, and played the game for about an hour and a half straight. Once I hit the end of the first chapter, I went to stop recording. However, for some reason (possibly user error), when I told it to stop recording, it didn't save my recording and instead started a new one. So all I have to show for a painful hour and a half of hard gaming is a 17-second clip of me wondering why it hasn't proceeded to the next screen for the video recording software.

I have so many regrets.

Today I played Quake for the first time. It was the Shareware build, as I wasn't about to buy it before knowing if I enjoyed it or not, but I did play it. It was fun. I found the old low-poly graphics strangely amusing, and I was honestly impressed by some of the lighting. I mean, it obviously wasn't any better than Half-Life's lighting, but I was expecting it to be worse.
As far as gameplay goes, it was new. I definitely didn't find it too challenging. I played through the entire demo on Easy, only dying once in the final boss fight. There were plenty of "oh shit" moments, though. For some reason (and I'm pretty sure it was just a quirk of the source port I was using), I didn't have a crosshair, so I ended up having to guess where my shots would land. Thankfully, I was relatively good at this. I enjoyed the music (thanks, Trent Rezzner?) and I found the NINs on the nailgun ammo hilarious. Some of the gameplay seemed a little half-baked, but that's from the perspective of someone who is about 10 years younger than the game. It was probably fine for when it came out.
Overall, I enjoyed it and plan to purchase the full version on Steam, and I would probably give my experience a 4/5.