Journal #8814

Posted 1 year ago2017-06-07 13:52:47 UTC
Jessie JessieLadytype
I'm sure it's of niche interest, but I'mma take a moment or two to reflect upon something that has troubled me lately.

As I've mentioned in the past, I am transgender. Though I have been sure of this for some time now, for a variety of reasons, I have yet to make any moves towards making any physical or social changes. Regardless, there is a dichotomy between how I see myself and how others perceive me.

I am, at present, largely unable to affect those perceptions. In real life, it's much more convenient to simply suppress my discomfort and present myself as male, saving myself from any potential uncomfortable questions, harassment or abuse (I'm sure in this town, I would have no trouble finding it). Those closest to me know my feelings and respect them, despite the fact that there has been negligible difference from their perspective (which can be a different kind of difficult, in a way).

As far as TWHL goes, I'm perfectly comfortable presenting the way I feel, because y'all are (generally) great people, and I know that the people I care about here are the kind of folk who won't hold it against me. This place, to me, is not just a place where awesome people hang out and do awesome things, but is also a sanctuary where I can be myself; where I don't have to question myself. That's a very powerful feeling at this stage in my life, and I couldn't be more grateful to have it.

The crux of this journal is where dichotomy creeps back into it. Being the internet, my persona here is simply a distillation of my personality. Plain text conveying my thoughts, carrying no perceptions of who I am physically. So it can be very, very hard to introduce any of the rest of me. There's a reason why I'm not in the Teamspeak of these videos, as much as I very much wanted to be. To present my voice is to challenge who I am here (and, indeed, who I feel I am). As a result, I am cripplingly self-conscious about my voice, even more than I am about... well, the rest of me.

The past handful of days, I've been challenging myself by joining the SnC fellows for videogames. Part and parcel of that is joining the Teamspeak. As much as I love joining in with them, it takes some significant psychological effort every time I have to hit that push-to-talk button. I guess I just want to shout out Archie and Urby in particular, for being just so damn accepting and welcoming. Being able to join you guys means more to me than you might think.

12 Comments

Commented 1 year ago2017-06-07 14:33:58 UTC Comment #52993
I'M NOT CRYING; I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE, OKAY???

In all seriousness, I'm really pleased you feel like we're particularly accepting and welcoming, but I assure you it's through no special effort on our part. You're our friend and you'll always be treated as such. It's mad that we live in a world where you perceive that as requiring special recognition, but I'm incredibly touched that you do.

Here's hoping the current... political climate... doesn't do further harm to acceptance. It's disappointing to hear you don't feel comfortable in real life yet.
Commented 1 year ago2017-06-07 15:08:48 UTC Comment #53000
It's been a pleasure gaming with you the last few sessions Jessie :) Sorry to hear you feel a barrier to talking, but I know I speak for the other guys as well when I say it's welcome when you break though it.
Commented 1 year ago2017-06-07 15:14:38 UTC Comment #52991
My thoughts exactly, Archie and Scoots.

You've been nothing short of an absolute pleasure to chat and game with. For what it's worth from half a world way, we'll have your back should you need to open up about anything. <3
Commented 1 year ago2017-06-07 15:16:23 UTC Comment #52997
It's very sad indeed that we live in a world where you can't take the "paths" that interest you because they are not following the "norm". Like the SnC people, I respect you as a fellow TWHL member even after reading your story and I understand that real life isn't easy especially in your situation.

I'm just happy for you that you have a " safe heaven" here and with the SnC folks.

Final words: I would like to say that you should stay strong and keep confidence in yourself. Don't be weakened by all those stupid "préjugés" and people that can't work their brains for at least a second.

EDIT : not on topic but any chance of a TWHL gaming parteh on HLDM, CS or anything else ?
Commented 1 year ago2017-06-07 17:16:05 UTC Comment #52992
I'd be well up for that
Commented 1 year ago2017-06-07 17:27:22 UTC Comment #53001
About the fear of using your voice:

Wow.
I thought I was the only one here. :D (although, I'm sure our reasons to fear are very different)

I've recently had a playtesting session of de_kobbl, and 2 people used their voices. But I was too scared of something so I didn't talk, until they started shooting me for typing whole paragraphs in the IRC chat-box. :/ (which took time)

So I used my voice, and even though my heart started beating a lot quicker and I started breathing quicker, I felt a sudden relief. That's pretty much everywhere. I'm afraid to use my voice, but for other reasons, of course.

Edit:
I'm not just afraid of using my own voice, but I'm (in specific situations) afraid of hearing other people's voices. R.I.P.

@Shepard62700FR
As always, there's that occasional playtesting of de_kobbl, so if you're looking for some CS 1.6 action, feel free to hop in the hype train. :)
(of course, if you're on GameBanana, which I'm unsure)

@Urby
OOOOOOHH, A TRIPLE
(Edit: Fixed. Blame my mobile network - Urby)

Edit:
Very well, then. xD
Commented 1 year ago2017-06-07 19:49:09 UTC Comment #52998
@Admer : it's been like 3/4 years since I haven't logged on GameBanana.
Commented 1 year ago2017-06-07 22:25:17 UTC Comment #52995
ITS SCOOTS ^
Commented 1 year ago2017-06-07 23:18:13 UTC Comment #52994
I should join the SnC games more often...
Commented 1 year ago2017-06-08 02:08:54 UTC Comment #52996
There's really only one thing that needs to be said, and it can be summed up in two characters.

<3
Commented 1 year ago2017-06-08 10:26:04 UTC Comment #53002
^

@Shepard
Well, if you ever intend to visit it again, you'll be delighted. :D
I'd be your guide to the new look and features there. Of course, only if you decide to go there again, which I doubt.
Commented 1 year ago2017-06-10 04:40:11 UTC Comment #52999
You're a lovely person and I don't care what side of the fence you're in. I'm still calling you friend.

digital hug

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