Journals
Just little. No big thoughts here.
I played through and finished Doom and Doom II semi-recently. I've played both of them before but never finished either so I just went for it I guess?
I then also tried out Ultimate Doom Builder which was fun. It is limited in what you can do (especially "vanilla" Doom stuff) but it's pretty simple to get into.
As I was doing it though, I sorta ran into the same thoughts and problems I have with Half-Life level creation.
1. I'm just slow. I can learn the keyboard shortcuts and little tricks that speed up the process but I still feel really slow when making a level. Like simple rooms feel like they take a while? Way longer than they probably should. Which makes it feel like a chore? I really do like doing stuff with Hammer or UDB but sometimes it feels like a slog.
2. I struggle with my "vision". Half-Life and Doom both have their areas and styles I guess? I'm someone who personally likes to make maps that sort of feel in line with the real stuff. So I look at a chapter in Half-Life or some levels in Doom and try and make my own level using similar ideas? But then when I get to actually making the map, I start getting unsure of how to do it. I can go back to an official level to see how they did things but then once I come back to my own, I feel like my mind just blanks and I forget everything I just looked at. I also don't always know how I want my map to be geometry-wise. I've tried doing blockouts but I feel weird doing them? (I don't really know why, they just don't feel right.) I also struggle trying to do sketches or drawings of the layout of my map. This ends up contributing to me being slow or just feeling done with the level and wanting to move on, starting a new map and repeating the same cycle.
Another issue related to it I guess is texturing. I like having things on a nice grid to follow, making sure textures are all 1:1 scale or at least at a scale that looks right. But then I'll have something that goes off the nice 32, 64 grid and for some reason I freak out? If I force it onto the nice grid, everything feels too squarish, if I force myself to go to a lower grid I get unsure of how to texture things that don't fully fit? Especially with Doom where IMO it's a bit more "ok" to have abstract shapes and angles, the textures get goofy and I'm not sure if I try and make them fit or just go with it.
And that's it I think. I'm not sure how to articulate my thoughts very well so...
Just I really like doing this stuff but I feel so incompetent. (Well I am but, y'know)
Journal over. https://youtu.be/kUOoq3aDyrs
I played through and finished Doom and Doom II semi-recently. I've played both of them before but never finished either so I just went for it I guess?
I then also tried out Ultimate Doom Builder which was fun. It is limited in what you can do (especially "vanilla" Doom stuff) but it's pretty simple to get into.
As I was doing it though, I sorta ran into the same thoughts and problems I have with Half-Life level creation.
1. I'm just slow. I can learn the keyboard shortcuts and little tricks that speed up the process but I still feel really slow when making a level. Like simple rooms feel like they take a while? Way longer than they probably should. Which makes it feel like a chore? I really do like doing stuff with Hammer or UDB but sometimes it feels like a slog.
2. I struggle with my "vision". Half-Life and Doom both have their areas and styles I guess? I'm someone who personally likes to make maps that sort of feel in line with the real stuff. So I look at a chapter in Half-Life or some levels in Doom and try and make my own level using similar ideas? But then when I get to actually making the map, I start getting unsure of how to do it. I can go back to an official level to see how they did things but then once I come back to my own, I feel like my mind just blanks and I forget everything I just looked at. I also don't always know how I want my map to be geometry-wise. I've tried doing blockouts but I feel weird doing them? (I don't really know why, they just don't feel right.) I also struggle trying to do sketches or drawings of the layout of my map. This ends up contributing to me being slow or just feeling done with the level and wanting to move on, starting a new map and repeating the same cycle.
Another issue related to it I guess is texturing. I like having things on a nice grid to follow, making sure textures are all 1:1 scale or at least at a scale that looks right. But then I'll have something that goes off the nice 32, 64 grid and for some reason I freak out? If I force it onto the nice grid, everything feels too squarish, if I force myself to go to a lower grid I get unsure of how to texture things that don't fully fit? Especially with Doom where IMO it's a bit more "ok" to have abstract shapes and angles, the textures get goofy and I'm not sure if I try and make them fit or just go with it.
And that's it I think. I'm not sure how to articulate my thoughts very well so...
Just I really like doing this stuff but I feel so incompetent. (Well I am but, y'know)
Journal over. https://youtu.be/kUOoq3aDyrs
I have a confession that I have a part of me that I'm not proud of. I also am dearly sorry for what I did to people on the internet, not just here. The pain I caused made me a demon in my mind that might as well come out in the future fully. That's one of my major fears that I wish I could undo. I fear it not because of it today but it's later appearance. As I said, I'm NOT proud of it.
I thought over something whilst listening to a song and it moved me and I want it to be true. I want to be a good Meerjel. I'm extremely unfocused and might try to go over again but I need something to think about to keep away. Or receive something to stop being sad, cause when I get sad then it will harm more than myself. Hopefully one day I can break free and be what I want to be. And I hope everyone else has something to win that is worth it.
Meerjel01
I thought over something whilst listening to a song and it moved me and I want it to be true. I want to be a good Meerjel. I'm extremely unfocused and might try to go over again but I need something to think about to keep away. Or receive something to stop being sad, cause when I get sad then it will harm more than myself. Hopefully one day I can break free and be what I want to be. And I hope everyone else has something to win that is worth it.
Meerjel01
Mine are:
1. Get friends
2. Start to get out more
3. Fix my life
Tell me yours!
Or dont, do whatever you want.
1. Get friends
2. Start to get out more
3. Fix my life
Tell me yours!
Or dont, do whatever you want.
Work in progress.
I've made a cute animation
Växjö, late afternoonI have always wanted to escape our Winter but haven't had the opportunity. I'll have to suffer Winter this year, too, but at least a milder version down in Croatia in December and Malta in January and February. They see more sun in the darkest month than I do in March or September, and I really look forward to seeing new places, though I think Christmas will feel lonely. Perhaps I should set my sight on NZ and Australia next year? What a dream to have summer twice a year!
https://meerjel01.github.io/Videos/Cheaples.html
Do tell me if the video plays at all.
Do tell me if the video plays at all.
Problem is, what theme?
Also im planning to give rewards or something like that. I only have like 2.5 dollars left in my account, and my next paycheck is next week so uuuh...
Also im planning to give rewards or something like that. I only have like 2.5 dollars left in my account, and my next paycheck is next week so uuuh...
If you're travelling from Southampton to Bath, best go by road.
A lot of things have happened in a short timespan.
It's crazy how stressed your mind can end up at a certain age, or a certain point in time. Thoughts getting adopted, rejected. Even revealed after a wait worth several years, striking you greatly when it finally happens. I'm likely too emotional about this, as most people here must've gone through the same stage, except they had the will not to let themselves spill it all out as a big stinky piece of text. But I'm tired of holding it all inside until it starts to bring discomfort, and I do apologize for that.
It's weird when you're finally twenty, but aren't bringing anything useful. I'd think I'd be more than of age by now: able to be a productive member of the communities that I am in, pay my monetary debts that I owe to my parents, show that all the effort that went into developing and supporting me hasn't gone to waste. But even now, I'm still unable to do anything. Just sit and wait, and maybe try to influence the situation. Learn and work on personal things from time to time, when I have the energy. And, well, time to do it. I'm just a tiny little bug, crawling around, while the titans are moving mountains, and all I can do is watch.
I'm honestly unsure what to do with all this: with my current life state, all those thoughts that have surfaced, or come, or were ditched. No idea if I should keep doing whatever I've been doing so far, or finally give in to the dreams and wishes that I've had for so long. They seem ridiculous, and likely are never going to work out, but they also won't let me sleep at night.
Funny what a whiskey-filled brain can generate at 06:01 AM. Sorry for polluting the journal list. I'll try not to do that again. Just sharing thoughts.
It's crazy how stressed your mind can end up at a certain age, or a certain point in time. Thoughts getting adopted, rejected. Even revealed after a wait worth several years, striking you greatly when it finally happens. I'm likely too emotional about this, as most people here must've gone through the same stage, except they had the will not to let themselves spill it all out as a big stinky piece of text. But I'm tired of holding it all inside until it starts to bring discomfort, and I do apologize for that.
It's weird when you're finally twenty, but aren't bringing anything useful. I'd think I'd be more than of age by now: able to be a productive member of the communities that I am in, pay my monetary debts that I owe to my parents, show that all the effort that went into developing and supporting me hasn't gone to waste. But even now, I'm still unable to do anything. Just sit and wait, and maybe try to influence the situation. Learn and work on personal things from time to time, when I have the energy. And, well, time to do it. I'm just a tiny little bug, crawling around, while the titans are moving mountains, and all I can do is watch.
I'm honestly unsure what to do with all this: with my current life state, all those thoughts that have surfaced, or come, or were ditched. No idea if I should keep doing whatever I've been doing so far, or finally give in to the dreams and wishes that I've had for so long. They seem ridiculous, and likely are never going to work out, but they also won't let me sleep at night.
Funny what a whiskey-filled brain can generate at 06:01 AM. Sorry for polluting the journal list. I'll try not to do that again. Just sharing thoughts.
I've heard there's a club I could join if I made some very poor life choices... What was it called again?
Hi. This is the First Time Wrote Or Type Journal On TWHL. So I'm doing this because there are things that make my feelings emotional when I Experience Of My Life as Modder by people who are full of hate. I even have a slightly unstable mentality that makes me hate myself and have a lot of emotions when my parents see me as a stable person but I'm afraid to tell my parents That I'm Having Mental Issue While I Having Difficult Communicate With My Family. I Also Almost No Life... I'm just Staring at My laptop And My Smartphone Everyday And I'm still Do Online School Until These Days Which Is Inactive Sadly. If I moved another schools, I will definitely get bullied until I become Anti-Social. Because Getting Bullied Just Fucking Change My Life Until Someone Viewed Me As Autistic Person, My parents were often called to school almost every year when I was in elementary school.I have a lot of problems with my knowledge, my attitude, and my socialize. My Teacher Just Trying to Manipulate Me They Even Not Give me The Education Book After Finished On Toilet, They even embarrassed my parents when I needed Soap On the Toilet Then My Friends Are Trying to Harassing me By Pushing Me Into The Hole Full of Black Mud Well Luckily I Already Jumped. So My Family Change Elementary Schools But Again Sadly I'm Getting Bullied But I Have 2 Best Friends Now That Sometimes Always Hangout Together. Unfortunately 1 Friend Change schools. So I only Have 1 Friend That Actually Counter-Strike 1.6 Player And Another Friend Which Is Change Schools Was Roblox Player That's Why I Hangout With Them. after advancing to 7th Class I mean Middle School Now My Family Went Onto Some Not Ordinary School Where Students Mostly Focus on Talents Rather Than Focus on Education Knowledge Like Any Other Shitty Schools Do. But The School Still Has Education Knowledge Well That's Fine I Guess That's Important For Students Then The Worst of The Year Comes in Where The Goddamn Virus Called COVID-19 Spread Across the Worldwide And Schools Are Lockdown. We Need to do Online School on Any Device And This Is The First Ever I got Fucking Isolated By Fricking Lockdown Because of COVID-19 Even now I'm still isolated Although The Virus Already Weakening in worldwide. Then Why I'm still Isolated? that's because my family moved around the island Cuz my father has a job as a boss there. Then The Island Was Kinda Have Terrible Society But I Think Mostly on Traffic I Guess...Then The Schools Welp many Teenage Kids are fighting there in various schools. They Even Stealing Other Neighbors Property And Throwing Rock On Our House They Even Do Street racing In Front of Our House Which Is Really Horrible Things In My Life (But I think Not Really) So My Parents Afraid Moved to That's School Since It Already has a Issues. Then I cannot Anything Besides Playing Video Games With Toxic Communities such as Roblox Or Sven Co-op Or Even Any Type Shitty Multiplayer Games It's Just Boring, Concerning,And Depressing at Same Time I don't have a money to buy games (I Have But I just don't know How to Make Them Digital Currency btw I Hate Money) It's Not Fun Until My Friend Sending The Message About game Called Hotline Maimi He said "It's discount" and tried to Gift me Hotline maimi but I refuses so I Asked Him Just Gifted Me Half-life. Because It's Cheaper I don't want my Friend Wasting Too Much on His Money So He Gifted me for the sake of Nostalgia (When I was a 5 y.o) So This Journey Would Begun If I Having Relation Issue With Some People Here...
Today I had a hunch: "would TWHL still exist?". Did a quick search and yes! Even Rimrook and Satchmo stills hangs around here, sick.
I've been gone for 13 years (im 32 now, 19 at the time i was last active, was there since I was 15) and will be gone too. My life is so different from the time I was here at TWHL.
From gaming full-time, making maps, earning money with counterstrike tournaments to a restaurant owner with one Michelin star where I cook myself
ps; I still game as a hobby, now together with my 4 year old son and my wife
Time flies
I've been gone for 13 years (im 32 now, 19 at the time i was last active, was there since I was 15) and will be gone too. My life is so different from the time I was here at TWHL.
From gaming full-time, making maps, earning money with counterstrike tournaments to a restaurant owner with one Michelin star where I cook myself
ps; I still game as a hobby, now together with my 4 year old son and my wife
Time flies
Super Matt Jordan is and has been cancelled for many years now but I always liked and kept the music.
So I put a little Dropbox together of all the (mostly) finished pieces I have.
https://www.dropbox.com/sh/2o60y07saqxu7am/AAD_0vV919iZQITqwV0J0A5Da?dl=0
I do t know if or when I can return to TWHL or mapping, maybe far down the line? Who knows. Enjoy the tunes! ^_^
So I put a little Dropbox together of all the (mostly) finished pieces I have.
https://www.dropbox.com/sh/2o60y07saqxu7am/AAD_0vV919iZQITqwV0J0A5Da?dl=0
I do t know if or when I can return to TWHL or mapping, maybe far down the line? Who knows. Enjoy the tunes! ^_^
