Journals
Some of you might recall me yammering on just over four years ago about having a daughter or whatever. My little princess, Ivory-Rose.
Ivory is now four years and three months old and should be starting primary school in September. However, it now seems as though that is not going to happen. Instead, she will need to stay at home most days, and attend primary school only in the afternoons. Why?
For about a year now we've been unable to get Ivory to speak. She can count, spell, sing along to music, repeat what you say and will happily respond to questions. However she wont start or hold a conversation. She cannot sit and watch a video or a movie because she cannot understand the point of it.
After battling with the NHS to get her in to see the right people over the course of that year, we now finally have her official diagnosis. She's on the Autism Spectrum. Exactly where we do not know, and we have a load of new assessments coming up before she should be starting at school, but currently we've been advised that her speech and communication remains at the level of an 18 month old.
This is of course very upsetting to both me and her mother, but not because of the diagnosis. That came to us with some degree of relief. We're upset because it now means Ivory-Rose will grow up in a world where she will be considered a lesser person, because of something that she has absolutely no control over.
She isn't broken. She isn't worth less than anyone else. She's a human being.
TWHL is the best community I've experienced online, which is why I feel I can post this journal with no apprehension. I don't need to tell any of you this, but keep being good people. Stand up for those who need help and above all, be patient.
Urby.
Update 11/07/19
Her position within the autistic spectrum has been described as spiky. She appears to have strengths and weaknesses within every aspect. Her motor skills are top notch, while her fine motor skills are quite far behind. So she can run around, climb, jump, kick a ball and so on, but cannot hold a pen correctly or draw a shape. This also makes Makaton quite difficult for her which is unfortunate given her speech and language delay.
Her S&L delay which is affecting her communication is actually being considered an entirely separate matter at this point. However, vice versa, her autism is affecting this in other ways. Apparently, when a child has a speech and language delay, they fall back on their motor skills and communicate via gestures. Ivory cannot do this because she lacks the context behind what she is trying to say.
It's a wonderful double edged sword... In spite of this however, Ivory has been approved to go to the school of our chosing, with additional funding for one on one support. She will be going for the morning session every day which is three hours of a more structured, learning environment. The educational psychologist is confident that she can start going full time as soon as the new year, depending on her next few evaluations.
We're at the beginning of a very long journey with this. Thanks for listening.
For about a year now we've been unable to get Ivory to speak. She can count, spell, sing along to music, repeat what you say and will happily respond to questions. However she wont start or hold a conversation. She cannot sit and watch a video or a movie because she cannot understand the point of it.
After battling with the NHS to get her in to see the right people over the course of that year, we now finally have her official diagnosis. She's on the Autism Spectrum. Exactly where we do not know, and we have a load of new assessments coming up before she should be starting at school, but currently we've been advised that her speech and communication remains at the level of an 18 month old.
This is of course very upsetting to both me and her mother, but not because of the diagnosis. That came to us with some degree of relief. We're upset because it now means Ivory-Rose will grow up in a world where she will be considered a lesser person, because of something that she has absolutely no control over.
She isn't broken. She isn't worth less than anyone else. She's a human being.
TWHL is the best community I've experienced online, which is why I feel I can post this journal with no apprehension. I don't need to tell any of you this, but keep being good people. Stand up for those who need help and above all, be patient.
Urby.
Update 11/07/19
Her position within the autistic spectrum has been described as spiky. She appears to have strengths and weaknesses within every aspect. Her motor skills are top notch, while her fine motor skills are quite far behind. So she can run around, climb, jump, kick a ball and so on, but cannot hold a pen correctly or draw a shape. This also makes Makaton quite difficult for her which is unfortunate given her speech and language delay.
Her S&L delay which is affecting her communication is actually being considered an entirely separate matter at this point. However, vice versa, her autism is affecting this in other ways. Apparently, when a child has a speech and language delay, they fall back on their motor skills and communicate via gestures. Ivory cannot do this because she lacks the context behind what she is trying to say.
It's a wonderful double edged sword... In spite of this however, Ivory has been approved to go to the school of our chosing, with additional funding for one on one support. She will be going for the morning session every day which is three hours of a more structured, learning environment. The educational psychologist is confident that she can start going full time as soon as the new year, depending on her next few evaluations.
We're at the beginning of a very long journey with this. Thanks for listening.
This is the first time we are building a gaming PC from scratch for him. He's always gotten my legacy PC by default, but he is turning 12 next month. I think it's time for him to build his own PC. It's a rite of passage for any geek.
I would like some suggestions on our proposed build, since we have no shortage of geeks here. Let me know what you think.
I would like some suggestions on our proposed build, since we have no shortage of geeks here. Let me know what you think.
NO. Just no. Not the sexual kind. We'll get there one day, don't worry! This is my "three topics in one journal" threesome, lmao. So before I say anything more stupid: (and trust me, you'll read so much stupid here)
Topic no. 1.
Utopia at Stake. What is it? Why did I decide to do this and give it another chance after giving up in 2016?
It's two things, really. ADM and UAS. Together, they make the mod. ADM is its technical foundation, with the vehicle system, future FMOD implementation, some nice utility entities and much more. So much stuff to do for ADM alone. The plan is to release it to everyone. You can think of it as SoHL, but my way.
UAS is the mod's content itself. Story, characters, assets, you name it. It's the overall experience in the mod too. The feel, the atmosphere, the lore, the music... you name it.
One thing potentially worries some folks, but not me. The sole existence of furry characters in the mod. It'll have dragons too. Dragons are cool. People like dragons. But, people generally hate furries. You'll like my interpretation of them, at least.
People think the mod would backfire because of this, but let it be. Let it be a reflection of the society, which, ironically, the mod will also try to be a satire of.
Topic no. 2.
My projects.
So, one of my old maps, ts_untergrund, has been getting massively improved over the years, but I never released that final version. This summer, I will. Hopefully.
Also, my high school map, I guess my classmates have waited long enough. I'll try to push out a playable version in summer.
Plans are there for fun_kobbl, and eventually some others. We'll see.
Then I can work on UAS. And hey, I'm not alone this time. There's someone in the team. And that brings me to my 3rd topic.
Topic no. 3. (I think it'd be wise to skip this - read at your own risk of getting confused and stuff like that)
I am burning. Once again. It hurts so much, but it feels so good.
Remember all my telltales how a girl in 6th grade said "no" to me?
Well, here's a new one.
About 5 years ago, I was still like a fresh piece of wood. Never touched by the rain, never seen fire, just chopped off a tree. Then I... saw someone I really liked a lot. It ignited a fire in me. I burned. My heart first burned and it burned the most, then I burnt in entirety and there was a forest fire.
I burnt the people around me. I burnt down everything. My reputation, my behaviour, my relationships and friendships...
She stood there like an ice berg, and stayed an ice berg. This fire couldn't do a damn thing. Not even a drop of water from that ice.
I had burnt out. There was no hope... I was alone for years.
There were some sparks there and there, a candlelight even. But all that together was never as huge as the big fire I had back then. I myself turned into walking ice. But I still had that tiny fire inside, which had me going for the whole path.
So what happened?
Then, about 20 days ago, I met a seemingly fiery one. But... her fire was extinguishing, has been doing so for a year. Truly a state of crisis. I could not see that at first, until I got closer. But before it even happened, all the ice that piled up on me, it melted just by a single touch from the fiery one. It evaporated.
And I? That tiny fire inside of me was going crazy. It soon expanded and caught me entirely. It warmed me up at first, and then I realised...
...once wood is burnt out, there's a chance for charcoal.
And charcoal, oh boy. Charcoal burns even hotter. And I am BURNING, baby, to the third degree. Even more than I did the first time. YEE HAW!
I met the real life equivalent of Jody, guys. I'm too happy. Way too happy. Not gonna say much more though. I just want a good ending.
:3
And hey. I know I'm young. I've got 3/4 of life in front of me. I know this lovey dovey stuff will just fade away one day. I just want to have some fun while it's there. But, while I'm at it, I'll try to be as mature and serious as I can.
- This is the part you may scroll down to, if you skipped topic #3 -
And yes. It's 2 in the morning at my place.
Thank you for the bit of attention, and have a good day/night.
P.S. Eeeeh, I forgot about the few competitions I've been in. Might write about them in 2 weeks...
Topic no. 1.
Utopia at Stake. What is it? Why did I decide to do this and give it another chance after giving up in 2016?
It's two things, really. ADM and UAS. Together, they make the mod. ADM is its technical foundation, with the vehicle system, future FMOD implementation, some nice utility entities and much more. So much stuff to do for ADM alone. The plan is to release it to everyone. You can think of it as SoHL, but my way.
UAS is the mod's content itself. Story, characters, assets, you name it. It's the overall experience in the mod too. The feel, the atmosphere, the lore, the music... you name it.
One thing potentially worries some folks, but not me. The sole existence of furry characters in the mod. It'll have dragons too. Dragons are cool. People like dragons. But, people generally hate furries. You'll like my interpretation of them, at least.
People think the mod would backfire because of this, but let it be. Let it be a reflection of the society, which, ironically, the mod will also try to be a satire of.
Topic no. 2.
My projects.
So, one of my old maps, ts_untergrund, has been getting massively improved over the years, but I never released that final version. This summer, I will. Hopefully.
Also, my high school map, I guess my classmates have waited long enough. I'll try to push out a playable version in summer.
Plans are there for fun_kobbl, and eventually some others. We'll see.
Then I can work on UAS. And hey, I'm not alone this time. There's someone in the team. And that brings me to my 3rd topic.
Topic no. 3. (I think it'd be wise to skip this - read at your own risk of getting confused and stuff like that)
I am burning. Once again. It hurts so much, but it feels so good.
Remember all my telltales how a girl in 6th grade said "no" to me?
Well, here's a new one.
About 5 years ago, I was still like a fresh piece of wood. Never touched by the rain, never seen fire, just chopped off a tree. Then I... saw someone I really liked a lot. It ignited a fire in me. I burned. My heart first burned and it burned the most, then I burnt in entirety and there was a forest fire.
I burnt the people around me. I burnt down everything. My reputation, my behaviour, my relationships and friendships...
She stood there like an ice berg, and stayed an ice berg. This fire couldn't do a damn thing. Not even a drop of water from that ice.
I had burnt out. There was no hope... I was alone for years.
There were some sparks there and there, a candlelight even. But all that together was never as huge as the big fire I had back then. I myself turned into walking ice. But I still had that tiny fire inside, which had me going for the whole path.
So what happened?
Then, about 20 days ago, I met a seemingly fiery one. But... her fire was extinguishing, has been doing so for a year. Truly a state of crisis. I could not see that at first, until I got closer. But before it even happened, all the ice that piled up on me, it melted just by a single touch from the fiery one. It evaporated.
And I? That tiny fire inside of me was going crazy. It soon expanded and caught me entirely. It warmed me up at first, and then I realised...
...once wood is burnt out, there's a chance for charcoal.
And charcoal, oh boy. Charcoal burns even hotter. And I am BURNING, baby, to the third degree. Even more than I did the first time. YEE HAW!
I met the real life equivalent of Jody, guys. I'm too happy. Way too happy. Not gonna say much more though. I just want a good ending.
:3
And hey. I know I'm young. I've got 3/4 of life in front of me. I know this lovey dovey stuff will just fade away one day. I just want to have some fun while it's there. But, while I'm at it, I'll try to be as mature and serious as I can.
- This is the part you may scroll down to, if you skipped topic #3 -
And yes. It's 2 in the morning at my place.
Thank you for the bit of attention, and have a good day/night.
P.S. Eeeeh, I forgot about the few competitions I've been in. Might write about them in 2 weeks...
And it’s a real steamer.
So thing have been compounding for a little while and I should vent lest I go insane. I’ll keep the points short.
I’ve been battling severe depression but I’m on some antidepressants so I’m ok. I’ve been officially diagnosed with with it.
I also have been diagnosed with autism which explains a fuck lot.
Lyssa has not one but two anomalies in her brain and needs another craniotomy to fix so we’re doing that again. She’s in tremendous pain all the time now.
My job as an illustrator really sucks.
SMJ has a prototype build ready that tests underlying systems. Story for the demo is in the works but the whole game needs a rebuild on an updated version of the engine so it runs better and has more features. Long time coming. Also I can map while running the game which is a cool functionality.
If you think SMJ is near completion, it’s not. I don’t even have the first level. I’m still experimenting with every aspect. Gotta get it just right ya know?
I could use help. Anyone with writing experience or as a hobby, let me know. I should have the story solid before anything else and it’s loose at best.
So yeah things are rough but I’m feeling optimistic. I really need support in so many different ways right now :/
So thing have been compounding for a little while and I should vent lest I go insane. I’ll keep the points short.
I’ve been battling severe depression but I’m on some antidepressants so I’m ok. I’ve been officially diagnosed with with it.
I also have been diagnosed with autism which explains a fuck lot.
Lyssa has not one but two anomalies in her brain and needs another craniotomy to fix so we’re doing that again. She’s in tremendous pain all the time now.
My job as an illustrator really sucks.
SMJ has a prototype build ready that tests underlying systems. Story for the demo is in the works but the whole game needs a rebuild on an updated version of the engine so it runs better and has more features. Long time coming. Also I can map while running the game which is a cool functionality.
If you think SMJ is near completion, it’s not. I don’t even have the first level. I’m still experimenting with every aspect. Gotta get it just right ya know?
I could use help. Anyone with writing experience or as a hobby, let me know. I should have the story solid before anything else and it’s loose at best.
So yeah things are rough but I’m feeling optimistic. I really need support in so many different ways right now :/
I have come to og Xbox homebrewing now. Want to make a HL2 TC for the console.
Believe me. It's super.
Believe me. It's super.
Yes I'll be retrying to build up the HappyFaces mod and see if it can be played online.
I'll be making new maps and ask for help like how to limit the map selection to just the mod's own maps and getting the stripped combine model to be animated. Oh, and if someone wants to help me with mapping for it then I can say what the mod's primary focus is.
Role playing, having conversations, normal deathmatches and to explore and interact. The maps are focused on being simple and to feel old-school because it is based on the 2006 build of Source. And only feature the textures from the original Half-Life 2 cause I don't have episode 1 or 2.
And I also wanted to let players change color as an option. And that's all for this journal.
I'll be making new maps and ask for help like how to limit the map selection to just the mod's own maps and getting the stripped combine model to be animated. Oh, and if someone wants to help me with mapping for it then I can say what the mod's primary focus is.
Role playing, having conversations, normal deathmatches and to explore and interact. The maps are focused on being simple and to feel old-school because it is based on the 2006 build of Source. And only feature the textures from the original Half-Life 2 cause I don't have episode 1 or 2.
And I also wanted to let players change color as an option. And that's all for this journal.
Funny how the mapping bug never leaves some of us. I'll be bothering some folks around here for info on this newfangled "Sledge" and see if it better then the tried and true Hammer! Also semi-transparent decals elude me.
From Indie, to Nintendo, to Oculus, it's been a journey. Being out in the wild since school has been exciting and I'm glad this place still exists. One of the best online communities in existence.
From Indie, to Nintendo, to Oculus, it's been a journey. Being out in the wild since school has been exciting and I'm glad this place still exists. One of the best online communities in existence.
They're all right you.
I almost forgot to post about it.
I have nothing new to report. My life - quite bland. The life of a developer quite hammers you hard into a single spot - I mean, it depends... I sort of have long term goals. I had some moods here and then. Probably I need more sleep. Have many ideas. So little time to implement. When I have time - procrastination takes place. I feel like I lack the enthusiasm I used to have. I feel grateful, although I'd like to feel even more gratitude, for the friends I have.
At the beginning of this year I had some big plans to implement some kind of self-organizing system and possibly use some software to achieve and measure my ideas turned into tasks, turned into projects. Turns out that's a big project also. Or are these just surface motives cloaking the fact that I'm not ready to sacrifice my time for that? Who knows! It's hard to know yourself
I'm taking guitar lessons. I'm trying to build a weather station. I'm trying to find a relationship. Turns out I'm too shy and hammered in my patterns to do that. I need massive amounts of courage to get out of the comfort zone.
As I watch other people, I wonder if they put in a lot of effort to get where they are, to have the relationships they have, or it was just chance and they were just riding the waves of destiny?
It's hard to build a life.
Is it worth it?
I hope this doesn't sound depressing or anything. Just some thoughts of mine.
I almost forgot to post about it.
I have nothing new to report. My life - quite bland. The life of a developer quite hammers you hard into a single spot - I mean, it depends... I sort of have long term goals. I had some moods here and then. Probably I need more sleep. Have many ideas. So little time to implement. When I have time - procrastination takes place. I feel like I lack the enthusiasm I used to have. I feel grateful, although I'd like to feel even more gratitude, for the friends I have.
At the beginning of this year I had some big plans to implement some kind of self-organizing system and possibly use some software to achieve and measure my ideas turned into tasks, turned into projects. Turns out that's a big project also. Or are these just surface motives cloaking the fact that I'm not ready to sacrifice my time for that? Who knows! It's hard to know yourself
I'm taking guitar lessons. I'm trying to build a weather station. I'm trying to find a relationship. Turns out I'm too shy and hammered in my patterns to do that. I need massive amounts of courage to get out of the comfort zone.
As I watch other people, I wonder if they put in a lot of effort to get where they are, to have the relationships they have, or it was just chance and they were just riding the waves of destiny?
It's hard to build a life.
Is it worth it?
I hope this doesn't sound depressing or anything. Just some thoughts of mine.
So I had a train of thought the other day, while playing Borderlands 2, a bit out of the blue, which I kinda wanna write down and since I wouldn't know where else, I'll just do it here.
Basically what I thought was - Half-Life 2 plus episodes isn't really big on optional objectives or the likes. In fact, no Valve game I've played is. Side quests aren't really a thing (Lambda caches don't count) and being very linear is pretty much a staple of the whole series. And I wondered what it'd be like to try and build some optional stuff into maps... like, go make this boom, if you're willing to take a detour, you can make it easier, I dunno, blow up Combine machinery and if you take a detour first to take out their radio relay comm thingy, it'll be easier because they won't send reinforcements. Stuff like that. Or, for instance, if along the way in Nova Prospekt, you had the opportunity to liberate incarcerated rebels and vorts, who would subsequently serve as allies during combat situations. Etc etc.
Now that's all kinda heavily influenced by my current playing through Metal Gear Solid V, where I usually, before sneaking into an outpost, start by planting explosives around their comms, power supplies, anti air guns etc, but also some through Borderlands 2 - if you bother with the sidequest of getting the power back online at station whatsitcalled, it'll unlock the shops, garage and spawn point there. Etc. I figured stuff like that would be pretty cool in Half-Life 2. Or (didn't think about that as much) Black Mesa. Fulfill objective X in area controlled by grunts, if you turn on the power for the conveyor system, you'll get supplies from the conveyor belts. Or take some time for secondary objective this and that to turn off the AC so you can sneak through the then-unlocked vents. Etc etc.
So yeah. Bit of an odd rant here... just had to write this down to revisit once I'll have time and energy to maybe try and make use of that, at some point in the distant future... do with that as you will, I'd love to hear some thoughts from yall maybe
Basically what I thought was - Half-Life 2 plus episodes isn't really big on optional objectives or the likes. In fact, no Valve game I've played is. Side quests aren't really a thing (Lambda caches don't count) and being very linear is pretty much a staple of the whole series. And I wondered what it'd be like to try and build some optional stuff into maps... like, go make this boom, if you're willing to take a detour, you can make it easier, I dunno, blow up Combine machinery and if you take a detour first to take out their radio relay comm thingy, it'll be easier because they won't send reinforcements. Stuff like that. Or, for instance, if along the way in Nova Prospekt, you had the opportunity to liberate incarcerated rebels and vorts, who would subsequently serve as allies during combat situations. Etc etc.
Now that's all kinda heavily influenced by my current playing through Metal Gear Solid V, where I usually, before sneaking into an outpost, start by planting explosives around their comms, power supplies, anti air guns etc, but also some through Borderlands 2 - if you bother with the sidequest of getting the power back online at station whatsitcalled, it'll unlock the shops, garage and spawn point there. Etc. I figured stuff like that would be pretty cool in Half-Life 2. Or (didn't think about that as much) Black Mesa. Fulfill objective X in area controlled by grunts, if you turn on the power for the conveyor system, you'll get supplies from the conveyor belts. Or take some time for secondary objective this and that to turn off the AC so you can sneak through the then-unlocked vents. Etc etc.
So yeah. Bit of an odd rant here... just had to write this down to revisit once I'll have time and energy to maybe try and make use of that, at some point in the distant future... do with that as you will, I'd love to hear some thoughts from yall maybe
So my wife may need to have another scary brain surgery. Honestly I’m rather freaked about things. This is what she had written on Facebook because it best describes what’s going on.
Hi Friends.Thanks.
I’d like to tell you all where I’ve been and why.
(May be a bit long, so the short version:
I’m having a cranial angiogram tomorrow at Tampa General to see what this neurological anomaly is (vascular brain stuff))
This is why I haven’t been out and about much.
Cute animal pics, love, light, etc are all welcome. This is gonna be hard ☹️
Long version:
Last year I started having some odd neurological occurrences. So we got with a neurologist and he ordered the MRI and MRA done.
We got the results in November, that there was some stuff going on vascularly in the same area that I had the AVM removed from back in 2010.
They could not definitively say what it is, hence just calling it the “anomaly”.
I was instructed to go back to Tampa General where I had the 2010 surgeries and talk to them. My surgeon from 2010 has moved to Colorado, so I was assigned to a new dr (a process that took from November to February to get an appt. specialists 🙄)
Anyway, met my new dr, who’s very nice and whom I trust.
So all this time we’ve been just sort of waiting for this test to figure out what’s even going on. (6 months)
We finally got the call on Friday of last week to schedule this procedure for Wednesday.
The angio itself should only take about an hour to an hour and a half, then about a 4 hour recovery, then I should be able to come back home.
Ben/my mom/Dave will have my phone etc.
There’s more, but it’s more about my feelings concerning all this and grief stuff
(My dads passed 3 years ago Thursday)
So I’ve tried to keep this as straightforward as possible.
We chose to not really talk about this or tell anyone until now because, well, what’s to tell?
There’s a thing in my brain, we don’t know what that thing is, come worry with us! Yeah no.. that just seemed, idk. Not productive.
I love you all, and I will have Ben update anyone who wishes tomorrow.
~L
Rodless Reel - Kickstarter
After over three years of developing this tiny fishing reel, i'm finally ready to release it. Check it out on Kickstarter and let me know what you guys think.
Ships worldwide for free.
Mapping for half life is what introduced me to 3D modeling at an early age and influenced me into studying architecture. In doing so, I was exposed to the world of design. I am now a CAD Drafter and in my free time I 3D model and prototype ideas.
Thanks for your support guys and gals!
After over three years of developing this tiny fishing reel, i'm finally ready to release it. Check it out on Kickstarter and let me know what you guys think.
Ships worldwide for free.
Mapping for half life is what introduced me to 3D modeling at an early age and influenced me into studying architecture. In doing so, I was exposed to the world of design. I am now a CAD Drafter and in my free time I 3D model and prototype ideas.
Thanks for your support guys and gals!
If you remember this and you wanna know what happened between me and him:
link
...you can read about the end here, if you wish.
So, yeah. It's over.
It's all... done. I'm not sad, and I definitely appreciate the freedom now. I do miss him, though.
All of you who were worried of it being a predator scenario, you may sleep peacefully now. But it wasn't such a scenario anyway.
Brad and I played TF2 and GMod a couple of times. I remember he often asked me for technical help, and a little bit too often, I might add. But he was a good guy. He badly wanted me to get the new PC that I got in July 2018, but something happened before I did...
In June, he... he simply disappeared. He completely disappeared from the Internet, deleting most of his accounts and leaving no contact info for me. Blimey. :/
So yeah. But that was not the only relationship in my life.
There was a girl from Texas, who was kinda nice until she started being overly horny and begging me for nudes (eww). Plus, she always looked for excuses to avoid voice chatting with me and I never saw a picture of her. Could be a catfish. And she wasn't the only catfish there.
There was a cute girl from Taiwan once, but that's a WHOLE other story which involves a dumb Bosnian dude from Slovenia hating me so much after finding out that I'm bi.
Then I've had like... 4 more relationships. Two before that, and two after that. The peak was about 3 or 4 relationships at once.
Almost all of these are pretty much done.
The point is, it taught me a damn valuable lesson. Say NO for once.
It taught me another one too, but that's something I realised after reading Voltaire's Candide. It is the fact that "we must cultivate our own gardens".
5 out of 7 of these relationships started like this: "Admer, I love you" - "I love you too!" - "Will you be my BF?" - "HELL YES!!!"
It's just like Candide. He was given all sorts of goods throughout the story, like when he visited Eldorado. But of course, there were really bad situations too, like when the entire Prussian army started beating his butt up, one by one. The thing is, he never did any actual work. He was just going around the world looking for his beloved Cunegonde, and he just got lucky and unlucky at times. In the end, he settled for a piece of land, and he and his friends started actually working on that land, and everyone was happy. (I should read even more books)
And notice something. It's always the other person saying "I love you" first. Meh. I wanna conquer some land myself (it feels more rewarding!), not have it simply given to me so that I can easily lose it later on.
Also, seriously. God. Back then, I didn't know how to say no. It was probably because I was desperate and/or I didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. Now I am not so afraid.
But yeah. I'm actually happy. Very very happy, partly due to the freedom I have now, and the fact that I don't have to lose so much time during the day to just chat (fact is, they were all from different time zones, so each would message me in different times of day - and that led to many hours being lost on Discord). All these breakups did not affect me at all, in fact I could say they made me a bit stronger.
I'll just not bother with relationships until I'm 25 or so. I'm just not ready yet. Especially for a real-life relationship.
You don't have to say a thing, as far as I'm concerned. I already know. I'm too young, I'm too childish, I have too high expectations... I mostly know...
And what was the point of this journal? It was just to make some things clear, and put an official end to my journals about furries and journals about my relationships.
link
...you can read about the end here, if you wish.
So, yeah. It's over.
It's all... done. I'm not sad, and I definitely appreciate the freedom now. I do miss him, though.
All of you who were worried of it being a predator scenario, you may sleep peacefully now. But it wasn't such a scenario anyway.
Brad and I played TF2 and GMod a couple of times. I remember he often asked me for technical help, and a little bit too often, I might add. But he was a good guy. He badly wanted me to get the new PC that I got in July 2018, but something happened before I did...
In June, he... he simply disappeared. He completely disappeared from the Internet, deleting most of his accounts and leaving no contact info for me. Blimey. :/
So yeah. But that was not the only relationship in my life.
There was a girl from Texas, who was kinda nice until she started being overly horny and begging me for nudes (eww). Plus, she always looked for excuses to avoid voice chatting with me and I never saw a picture of her. Could be a catfish. And she wasn't the only catfish there.
There was a cute girl from Taiwan once, but that's a WHOLE other story which involves a dumb Bosnian dude from Slovenia hating me so much after finding out that I'm bi.
Then I've had like... 4 more relationships. Two before that, and two after that. The peak was about 3 or 4 relationships at once.
Almost all of these are pretty much done.
The point is, it taught me a damn valuable lesson. Say NO for once.
It taught me another one too, but that's something I realised after reading Voltaire's Candide. It is the fact that "we must cultivate our own gardens".
5 out of 7 of these relationships started like this: "Admer, I love you" - "I love you too!" - "Will you be my BF?" - "HELL YES!!!"
It's just like Candide. He was given all sorts of goods throughout the story, like when he visited Eldorado. But of course, there were really bad situations too, like when the entire Prussian army started beating his butt up, one by one. The thing is, he never did any actual work. He was just going around the world looking for his beloved Cunegonde, and he just got lucky and unlucky at times. In the end, he settled for a piece of land, and he and his friends started actually working on that land, and everyone was happy. (I should read even more books)
And notice something. It's always the other person saying "I love you" first. Meh. I wanna conquer some land myself (it feels more rewarding!), not have it simply given to me so that I can easily lose it later on.
Also, seriously. God. Back then, I didn't know how to say no. It was probably because I was desperate and/or I didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. Now I am not so afraid.
But yeah. I'm actually happy. Very very happy, partly due to the freedom I have now, and the fact that I don't have to lose so much time during the day to just chat (fact is, they were all from different time zones, so each would message me in different times of day - and that led to many hours being lost on Discord). All these breakups did not affect me at all, in fact I could say they made me a bit stronger.
I'll just not bother with relationships until I'm 25 or so. I'm just not ready yet. Especially for a real-life relationship.
You don't have to say a thing, as far as I'm concerned. I already know. I'm too young, I'm too childish, I have too high expectations... I mostly know...
And what was the point of this journal? It was just to make some things clear, and put an official end to my journals about furries and journals about my relationships.
Well, it's all about to say that this profile KrystevPlayz is me again. AK47NATOR and Krystev are just me.
