In chapter 5, you said the word justify twice really close together, change it
the writing needs a bit more refinement
the writing is exciting, but it may be a bit too exciting, as you're running out of ideas in chapter 6, for example instead of a soldier jumping out straight away as the party exit the SUV, you could have them sneaking around the soldiers and eventually getting caught and making a death defying escape
in chapter 6 part 2 dont have the characters say that they will go through a sewage canal when they don't actually know whats down there, and it just happens to be a sewage canal, could have said through a drainage system or something and then the party finding out that its a sewage canal, and then there could be an element of humour incorporated if it was appropriate
ah you did put some jokes in, good
(im commenting as i read)
i like how you referenced to that scene where the grunts throw a security guard down, and you changed it, i especially like how its a girl
this novel would really appeal to half-life followers not so much people that have never played the game
will this continue throughout the whole halflife saga, hl2 and hypothetical 3
i liked the mention of linearity and architects in chapter 7
i like how they befriended an assassin, nothing like that ever happened, so it blows my mind, but it won't blow the mind of people who havent played the game
very good stuff so far, keep it comin